The move and the doctor

Last year was crazy. That's the only way to explain it.

There is so much I could say about last year but I really just have to sum it up. In the spring Alex was offered a job in Seattle, WA and I was seeking a job in Bigelow, AR. I was hoping to land my first teaching job and Alex was landing a dream job. The only problem was one would have us moving across the country. With all our family being less than an hour away this decision was beyond our comprehension. It was breaking our hearts. We kept the struggle secret for awhile. Mostly just talking with each other and going through serious bible study and prayer. I wish I could pin point the exact moment that we realized what we had to do but I can't. All I remember is being in my car and crying out to God. I confessed our weakness in the area and asked for him to intervene. I asked that he close the doors as they needed to be closed. I asked that he slam them shut so hard that we had no question about the decision. I began praying that we would find comfort in either direction. I knew that if I didn't get the job I would be devastated and that he would be concerned about his future if the door closed for him. It was a rough few months for us. We were diligent in our prayers and waited patiently for God to move.

His moves in the beginning were so small I didn't really notice. Each week something would happen at my internship that knocked the dream down a bit. Towards the end I had trouble seeing myself as a teacher there but I still held on to my original goal. I could feel the pendulum slowly creeping towards Seattle. Every week I uncovered a few things about it that would make me think moving there would be a "total God thing". It's a funny thing when you know God is pointing you in a direction and your still surprised when he finally makes it clear. I wish I could learn to be quiet and listen to the little nudges not just the giant push. My internship was ending and the interview process began. I was so confident during this time. I had given everything to God. Call me weak but honestly it was all more than I could handle. I had to give it up. So I went to my interviews and I left them all feeling good. Alex had finished his interview type stuff a month ago and was fairly certain he would get the offer. The question became what would the offer be and could we accept it.

So this was it! The waiting game. A few weeks had gone by since my interview and a month or so for Alex. The day the decision came was very normal. I had a dentist appointment in Maumelle and was driving back through 365. I could take you to the exact spot on the road where I answered the phone. Alex called and told me he got his offer and it was one to accept. I could feel the holy spirit moving over me and I began to weep. I knew that God had answered my prayers. While we were on the phone a call came in from the school. I didn't even have to answer it to know that I didn't get the job. I was crying, dancing, and praising in my car. I have never had a moment where God was just so clear with me. It was undeniable. I couldn't make up any excuses not to go. I was being told to go.

It was time to get brave and to get bold. I was moving my sweet little family far away from our comfort zone. I started the packing and planning. It was all happening very fast and I had to be in super mom mode. I was also struggling with the pain of leaving my family and our life. We loved our home, our church, and our community. It was going to be rough. I was reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker around this time. Only a crazy person would be reading something so life changing while doing something so life changing. While Gods transparency gave me confidence I was still struggling to be brave. I found this quote in the book and I felt like it was perfect for our time. “I don’t want my kids safe and comfortable. I want them BRAVE. I don’t want to teach them to see danger under every rock, avoiding anything hard or not guaranteed or risky. They are going to encounter a very broken world soon, and if they aren’t prepared to wade into difficult territory and contend for the kingdom against obstacles and tragedies and hardships, they are going to be terrible disciples. I don’t want to be the reason my kids choose safety over courage. I hope I never hear them say, “Mom will freak out,” or “My parents will never agree to this.” May my fear not bind their purpose here. Scared moms raise scared kids. Brave moms raise brave kids. Real disciples raise real disciples.”  I knew I wanted my son to be brave. I wanted him to only fear one thing in this world. I knew that we had to be strong. We had to make this move even when it hurt. I knew that God had been so clear with me and that I had to follow his plan.

We have been in Seattle for six months now. We actually live in Kirkland right near Lake Washington. Its wonderful. We have amazing neighbors, and have reunited with family that lives in town. Our house is modest but our back yard is incredible. We travel back home as often as we can but we have really worked hard to make this our home. We are slowly building our little community. I was thinking last night we don't really have enough 2 am friends but we are getting there.

I don't know 100% why God brought us here but I know apart of it was to have another child. In the spring last year I visited my baby doctor in Little Rock. I had somehow convinced myself prior to the appointment that she would be like woo hoo another baby. I knew however the facts about my prior pregnancy and that this was a big ask. With the preeclampsia my risk of re-occurrence is 20% but could vary from 5%-80% based on severity. Its about the same with HELLP. Only my doctor in Little Rock explained that typically if you do get it in your second pregnancy that it would develop earlier than it did in the first pregnancy. She was clear with me about two things. One I may not get it and two I might. She said there would be no  way to know until it started and that at least this time we would be prepared. She basically said it would be up to me and Alex to decide if it was something we wanted to do again. I was left with very little hope. 

About a month before we moved here I was exploring the Preeclampsia website. I uncovered Dr. Thomas Easterling at the University of Washington. Let me just share the bio I read.

 "Dr.Tom Easterling received his MD from University of North Carolina Medical School. He is a national expert in the field of hypertension in pregnancy. A professor at the University of Washington Medical School joining the staff in 1985, Easterling has received numerous awards including: the Young Investigator's Award of the International Society for the Study of Hypertension in Pregnancy, the Society Award for the Society of Perinatal Obstetricians for research on the hemodynamics of preeclampsia, and was honored by the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology for conducting one of the four most significant studies of 1999 regarding early antihypertensive treatment to prevent preeclampsia. He and his team at the University of Washington are members of the NIH-sponsored Obstetrical Pharmacological Research Unit network investigating the use of medications in pregnancy. Easterling continues an active clinical and research practice at the University of Washington and is a co-founder of the Preeclampsia Foundation." 

I found his clinic and called to make an appointment. They were so confused as to why I didn't have an address in Washington yet I wanted an appointment. They informed me early on that they would need me to send all my medical records to their office and a medical review board would determine if I would qualify to be his patient. Well let me tell you I got my records together as fast as I could and sent them to his office. I was on my toes for the next day or so waiting for the call. When they finally did call all she said was when would you like to make your appointment! I made it three weeks into our move! I was so excited to meet this person who so diligently studied preeclampsia. I couldn't wait to talk with him about my experience and learn more about it. I knew in the end he might discourage me from another pregnancy but I knew that after our meeting I would feel confident in making a decision.

Stories of Courage
"As a leading cause of maternal illness and death, preeclampsia affects as many as 1 in 12 pregnancies, or more than 6 million births annually. Preeclampsia is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and protein in the urine, and can be deadly to mother and baby. If untreated, preeclampsia can escalate to eclampsia, causing seizures. Worldwide, nearly two hundred women every day – more than 60,000 women a year – die from eclampsia alone, and preeclampsia is the leading known cause of prematurity."-
Foundation Co-Founder

My Birth Story

I can't tell the exact moment I began dreaming about motherhood but I'm guessing it was somewhere around two or three years old. I loved everyone of my baby dolls as if they were real. When I was a babysitter in my teens I loved those kiddos as if they were my own. (still do) When I married Alex I couldn't wait to have a baby of our own. I knew my life calling was to be a mom. It was all I ever wanted to do and its still the greatest passion of my life. When we first got pregnant with Hudson I was elated! I got the books, I started pinning, and I set in motion the plan of the most glorious pregnancy and birth. I have always heard make a plan and watch God laugh but I never fully understood it. Now I prayed diligently every step of the way but I prayed for my dream outcomes. I would love to say I gave it all to God but I think I held a tight control over this birth and somehow believed that my smart choices and planning would equal success. Around week 6 of pregnancy I threw up my breakfast, and then my lunch, and then my dinner. Then I threw up almost every meal I ate after that until around 14 weeks. This might have been all the crow I was eating but my doctor said it was just my wonderful hormones. So my "I'm not putting any medicine into my body" plan went out the window quickly. I was a nausea med junkie. If not for my own well being but so that maybe my little munchkin could have an ounce of nutrients that day. I kept a toothbrush and a small bottle of water with me at all times. I tried ginger chews and sea bands but nothing, NOTHING helped.

Just about the time I decided I couldn't go another minute it quit. I woke up looked down at my baby bump and didn't feel a tinge of sickness but instead I felt love. My years of affection for my sweet Jesus had taught me you can love something you can neither see or touch. I knew that baby was in my belly and I knew that I was in love. With the sickness gone I could really enjoy the excitement of the days ahead. The dreaming and planning went into overload. The nursery, the name, the hospital wreath on the door, the perfect jammies, the photographer, the outfits, and all the other fun stuff. I will say I prayed so much for the health of my baby boy. I knew that God was knitting him together and I prayed over every inch of his little body inside and out. This was by far the best time of my pregnancy and maybe one of the sweeter moments of my life. I adored every kick and movement. I could tell he was going to be active. I also knew he was sweet. Its amazing to me how much you can know about the baby in your belly before it ever arrives. The second trimester is truly heavenly. I wish I would have soaked it up even more than I did.

With the second trimester closing I began looking forward to the third. 28 weeks and I was still feeling pretty amazing. My belly was really showing now and my little bit was growing fast. Now when you are pregnant and you Google anything nine times out of ten its a symptom of pregnancy. Flaming red hot ears- normal, excess saliva- normal, feet two times their size- normal. Pregnancy can cause your body to do some crazy things. It was around this time I began to grow a large nose and a very round face. One might have thought I was turning into Santa Clause but I checked the web and turns out everything was normal. I'm fairly certain Google makes its money off pregnant women. We research everything we eat, every medicine we consume, every activity we partake, and every symptom. Although ninety percent of it is probably pointless. I learned very quickly into the third trimester to go with your instinct first and Google later. We were at my parents house around thirty weeks. I didn't feel right and I decided I needed to take my blood pressure. So I grabbed my Dads cuff and took a look. It was  140/90. Now this is considered the bottom range of moderately high. Having always been a steady 120/80 I called in  to the nurses line. She told me to lay on my left side for 20 min and if it didn't go down to head to labor and delivery just for monitoring. So I did my time on my side and then headed to the hospital. I was maybe there twenty minutes before it dropped back down and stayed that way. They told me it might have just spiked but to keep watch. We went through this same routine another time about two weeks later. Both times the hospital seemed to instantly cure me. I really wasn't worried. I didn't show any protein in my urine so I knew I was all clear for preeclampsia.

I was really starting two swell by 34 weeks. I mean I was puffy. I started feeling bad too. The joy I had experienced in the second trimester was being replaced by my readiness for my baby to get here. I had the finish line in mind and while I was excited I just didn't feel good. I had been trough a pretty traumatic loss of a dear friend just the week before and pregnancy was really the last thing on my mind. I had quit dreaming about my pregnancy and I focused on not spending my day in tears. I was emotionally exhausted and it felt like my body was getting pretty tired as well. I remember so clearly getting ready for my doctors appointment that week. I got dressed like a normal person and headed in for a belly check. Alex went with me to all of my appointments and this one was no different. I was grateful for his support because honestly my broken heart was far from being healed. When we arrived I went through the normal routine of checking in, getting weighed, and heading to the room. I knew the steps by heart after so many appointments. The nurse put on the blood pressure cuff and suddenly I felt the air leave the room. She tilted her head and asked me if I felt okay. She said this must be wrong let me take it again. At this point she didn't even turn it around to show me. She took it again and I could tell things were not okay. I quickly asked her what it was and she turned it around ever so slowly. 198/120. Now remember 120/80 is normal. This was anything but normal. She rushed out of the room and my doctor quickly entered and asked Alex to take me to labor and delivery.

Two years later and I struggle to type the next parts. Now let me start with I have a beautiful healthy baby and my situation was not nearly as bad as it could have been. However, it hurts and it stings. I had a vision for how my baby would enter this world. I knew what we would wear and how we would announce his birth. I had a plan for the door announcement and  a wreath at our home. I knew how I would hold him when he first arrived. How I would kiss him and what I would say. I knew the look I would give to Alex. We had a plan and it was so perfect and beautiful. I still have a part of me that misses the birth I never got to have. However I know my God had so much more in store for me. I gave him the opportunity to show up and show out and he did just that. I had the desires of this modern social world. I wanted to post the pretty pictures and for everything to be adorable. However God was preparing me for the life he wanted me to live and that was not one of comparison but of my own journey in solitude. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" Philippians 4:12 (NIV) See I was never very good at being content. I always wanted more. I was a pinterestaholic. I desired the praise from others. I can't even being to tell you how grateful I am for Gods lesson in humility.

So here it goes. This is what happened at the hospital. On February 11th, I was admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. Dr. Beck thought I might have preeclampsia so she put me on a 24 hour watch. The 24 hour test consisted of a constant magnesium drip, blood work every two hours, and a catheter collection every few hours. Also no food or drink for fear of choking if I were to have a seizure. I was allowed some ice chips and a cold rag. With my blood pressure still well over 160/110 I was in the high risk for stroke or seizure. This was the point where I began to understand the severity of the situation. I couldn't leave the bed but I was mentally on my knees. I was so worried about my sweet little baby.  During the night a sweet nurse made a major mistake. I was tired and cranky and some how she decided to draw blood from my IV arm. This meant my labs were way off. The morning nurse came in with fear in her eyes and Dr. Beck followed shortly after. She climbed on the bed with me and began explaining what was going to happen. She informed me I had developed severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She said due to my platelet counts they would have to do an emergency cesarean and that I would have to be knocked out for the procedure. The anesthesiologists and the NICU nurses also came in. They informed me of their role in the delivery and walked me through every step. I wish I could say I was feeling hopeful but honestly based on my labs things were not looking good. I was told the baby was going to be fine and that it was me they were concerned about.  I have never seen my husband look that scared and I hope I never have to see it again. We called all our family and friends and told them to rush to the hospital for your delivery. About that time I see the nurse turn the corner and she is crying. Only her tears are not sad but instead happy. Like the happiest tears I have ever seen. She squealed as she grabbed my hand. She informed me they had figured out the mistake and while I was bad I was not as bad as my labs indicated. My baby would get to stay in another day. I couldn't pick that nurse out of a line up but I will love her my whole life.  Once things calmed down they moved  me to the high risk unit where I would stay as long as I could keep my bp down. February 13th was a wonderful day. I got to relax and get organized from all the chaos of the week. I worked on our new plan. We didn't have the nursery ready and I wasn't prepared to be in the hospital for the next few weeks. They tried to keep visitors to a minimum but our family and church family was determined to see us. I didn't know at the time it was the calm before the storm but I am so grateful for that day. On February 14th we celebrated Valentine's Day with a kiss and hospital breakfast and lunch! We were starting to settle in to our hospital life. Shortly after lunch I told Alex I felt like I couldn't breath but that I thought it was a sinus problem from the magnesium wearing off. He said he would grab a nurse to see what she thought. Little did I know when he closed the door he was running at full speed. He saw what I didn't and that was my neck swelling. He said he could seek all my veins and they looked ready to burst.  When she arrived she took a quick blood pressure test and that was it. My blood pressure had hit 228/117 and within a minute I had 8 nurses/specialist/doctors in my room and they were moving back to L&D. Dr. Beck came in and told me you would I would be having a Valentine baby within the next hour. Before they could take me back they had to check my platelets again. I also had to have an EKG and a few other tests for fear that I was having an embolism. They informed me about how Hudson would go to the NICU and that I would go down stairs for a CT scan. They told me once they could rule out the embolism I would go to the recovery room.  I was 34 weeks and 2 days. I was so exhausted from the past few days that I wasn't half as scared as I thought I would be. I was mostly just excited to be on the road to healing. The delivery was perfect. Hudson cried immediately and the nurse told me he was going to do great. As soon as they closed me up I went to down for the CT Scan. Thankfully they couldn't find anything which meant the blood pressure and HELLP were the source of my problems. My blood pressure went down immediately after delivery and so they felt confident in my recovery. Hudson was also great he was much stronger than they expected.  It was almost two days before I was able to meet my little guy. Alex would go down and take videos for me. While it was hard I knew we were both where we needed to be. I was broken hearted about how it all happened. I felt guilty that he wasn't able to be held by his parents. Nursing was the one way I felt I could make that time up to him. I began pumping as soon as they would let me. I pumped every hour for the first 24 hours trying to get my milk to come in with out a baby. By the time I got to him we were both ready. Holding him for the first time was unlike anything I have ever felt before. Alex said everyone in the room was crying but honestly it was just me and my boy. We spent two weeks in the NICU and then I brought my tiny baby home.

While our situation was not ideal I know we were covered by Gods grace. Things could have been so much worse. I am so aware of how lucky we really were. I am forever grateful for the doctors and nurses. While their medical care was outstanding the love and tenderness they displayed to my family was something they don't get paid to do. It wasn't until I was home that I finally learned what HELLP Syndrome is. I learned what it meant for me then and for my future. I realized that I was in a special group of women who had survived this. I began researching more and more. A second baby was the last think on my mind at this point but I couldn't help but wonder if we would have to go through this again. Its been almost two years now and we have decided to try again but the journey to getting here was more than I could have ever imagined.

http://www.whatthehellp.com/
http://www.preeclampsia.org/