Just about the time I decided I couldn't go another minute it quit. I woke up looked down at my baby bump and didn't feel a tinge of sickness but instead I felt love. My years of affection for my sweet Jesus had taught me you can love something you can neither see or touch. I knew that baby was in my belly and I knew that I was in love. With the sickness gone I could really enjoy the excitement of the days ahead. The dreaming and planning went into overload. The nursery, the name, the hospital wreath on the door, the perfect jammies, the photographer, the outfits, and all the other fun stuff. I will say I prayed so much for the health of my baby boy. I knew that God was knitting him together and I prayed over every inch of his little body inside and out. This was by far the best time of my pregnancy and maybe one of the sweeter moments of my life. I adored every kick and movement. I could tell he was going to be active. I also knew he was sweet. Its amazing to me how much you can know about the baby in your belly before it ever arrives. The second trimester is truly heavenly. I wish I would have soaked it up even more than I did.
With the second trimester closing I began looking forward to the third. 28 weeks and I was still feeling pretty amazing. My belly was really showing now and my little bit was growing fast. Now when you are pregnant and you Google anything nine times out of ten its a symptom of pregnancy. Flaming red hot ears- normal, excess saliva- normal, feet two times their size- normal. Pregnancy can cause your body to do some crazy things. It was around this time I began to grow a large nose and a very round face. One might have thought I was turning into Santa Clause but I checked the web and turns out everything was normal. I'm fairly certain Google makes its money off pregnant women. We research everything we eat, every medicine we consume, every activity we partake, and every symptom. Although ninety percent of it is probably pointless. I learned very quickly into the third trimester to go with your instinct first and Google later. We were at my parents house around thirty weeks. I didn't feel right and I decided I needed to take my blood pressure. So I grabbed my Dads cuff and took a look. It was 140/90. Now this is considered the bottom range of moderately high. Having always been a steady 120/80 I called in to the nurses line. She told me to lay on my left side for 20 min and if it didn't go down to head to labor and delivery just for monitoring. So I did my time on my side and then headed to the hospital. I was maybe there twenty minutes before it dropped back down and stayed that way. They told me it might have just spiked but to keep watch. We went through this same routine another time about two weeks later. Both times the hospital seemed to instantly cure me. I really wasn't worried. I didn't show any protein in my urine so I knew I was all clear for preeclampsia.
I was really starting two swell by 34 weeks. I mean I was puffy. I started feeling bad too. The joy I had experienced in the second trimester was being replaced by my readiness for my baby to get here. I had the finish line in mind and while I was excited I just didn't feel good. I had been trough a pretty traumatic loss of a dear friend just the week before and pregnancy was really the last thing on my mind. I had quit dreaming about my pregnancy and I focused on not spending my day in tears. I was emotionally exhausted and it felt like my body was getting pretty tired as well. I remember so clearly getting ready for my doctors appointment that week. I got dressed like a normal person and headed in for a belly check. Alex went with me to all of my appointments and this one was no different. I was grateful for his support because honestly my broken heart was far from being healed. When we arrived I went through the normal routine of checking in, getting weighed, and heading to the room. I knew the steps by heart after so many appointments. The nurse put on the blood pressure cuff and suddenly I felt the air leave the room. She tilted her head and asked me if I felt okay. She said this must be wrong let me take it again. At this point she didn't even turn it around to show me. She took it again and I could tell things were not okay. I quickly asked her what it was and she turned it around ever so slowly. 198/120. Now remember 120/80 is normal. This was anything but normal. She rushed out of the room and my doctor quickly entered and asked Alex to take me to labor and delivery.
Two years later and I struggle to type the next parts. Now let me start with I have a beautiful healthy baby and my situation was not nearly as bad as it could have been. However, it hurts and it stings. I had a vision for how my baby would enter this world. I knew what we would wear and how we would announce his birth. I had a plan for the door announcement and a wreath at our home. I knew how I would hold him when he first arrived. How I would kiss him and what I would say. I knew the look I would give to Alex. We had a plan and it was so perfect and beautiful. I still have a part of me that misses the birth I never got to have. However I know my God had so much more in store for me. I gave him the opportunity to show up and show out and he did just that. I had the desires of this modern social world. I wanted to post the pretty pictures and for everything to be adorable. However God was preparing me for the life he wanted me to live and that was not one of comparison but of my own journey in solitude. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" Philippians 4:12 (NIV) See I was never very good at being content. I always wanted more. I was a pinterestaholic. I desired the praise from others. I can't even being to tell you how grateful I am for Gods lesson in humility.
So here it goes. This is what happened at the hospital. On February 11th, I was admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. Dr. Beck thought I might have preeclampsia so she put me on a 24 hour watch. The 24 hour test consisted of a constant magnesium drip, blood work every two hours, and a catheter collection every few hours. Also no food or drink for fear of choking if I were to have a seizure. I was allowed some ice chips and a cold rag. With my blood pressure still well over 160/110 I was in the high risk for stroke or seizure. This was the point where I began to understand the severity of the situation. I couldn't leave the bed but I was mentally on my knees. I was so worried about my sweet little baby. During the night a sweet nurse made a major mistake. I was tired and cranky and some how she decided to draw blood from my IV arm. This meant my labs were way off. The morning nurse came in with fear in her eyes and Dr. Beck followed shortly after. She climbed on the bed with me and began explaining what was going to happen. She informed me I had developed severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She said due to my platelet counts they would have to do an emergency cesarean and that I would have to be knocked out for the procedure. The anesthesiologists and the NICU nurses also came in. They informed me of their role in the delivery and walked me through every step. I wish I could say I was feeling hopeful but honestly based on my labs things were not looking good. I was told the baby was going to be fine and that it was me they were concerned about. I have never seen my husband look that scared and I hope I never have to see it again. We called all our family and friends and told them to rush to the hospital for your delivery. About that time I see the nurse turn the corner and she is crying. Only her tears are not sad but instead happy. Like the happiest tears I have ever seen. She squealed as she grabbed my hand. She informed me they had figured out the mistake and while I was bad I was not as bad as my labs indicated. My baby would get to stay in another day. I couldn't pick that nurse out of a line up but I will love her my whole life. Once things calmed down they moved me to the high risk unit where I would stay as long as I could keep my bp down. February 13th was a wonderful day. I got to relax and get organized from all the chaos of the week. I worked on our new plan. We didn't have the nursery ready and I wasn't prepared to be in the hospital for the next few weeks. They tried to keep visitors to a minimum but our family and church family was determined to see us. I didn't know at the time it was the calm before the storm but I am so grateful for that day. On February 14th we celebrated Valentine's Day with a kiss and hospital breakfast and lunch! We were starting to settle in to our hospital life. Shortly after lunch I told Alex I felt like I couldn't breath but that I thought it was a sinus problem from the magnesium wearing off. He said he would grab a nurse to see what she thought. Little did I know when he closed the door he was running at full speed. He saw what I didn't and that was my neck swelling. He said he could seek all my veins and they looked ready to burst. When she arrived she took a quick blood pressure test and that was it. My blood pressure had hit 228/117 and within a minute I had 8 nurses/specialist/doctors in my room and they were moving back to L&D. Dr. Beck came in and told me you would I would be having a Valentine baby within the next hour. Before they could take me back they had to check my platelets again. I also had to have an EKG and a few other tests for fear that I was having an embolism. They informed me about how Hudson would go to the NICU and that I would go down stairs for a CT scan. They told me once they could rule out the embolism I would go to the recovery room. I was 34 weeks and 2 days. I was so exhausted from the past few days that I wasn't half as scared as I thought I would be. I was mostly just excited to be on the road to healing. The delivery was perfect. Hudson cried immediately and the nurse told me he was going to do great. As soon as they closed me up I went to down for the CT Scan. Thankfully they couldn't find anything which meant the blood pressure and HELLP were the source of my problems. My blood pressure went down immediately after delivery and so they felt confident in my recovery. Hudson was also great he was much stronger than they expected. It was almost two days before I was able to meet my little guy. Alex would go down and take videos for me. While it was hard I knew we were both where we needed to be. I was broken hearted about how it all happened. I felt guilty that he wasn't able to be held by his parents. Nursing was the one way I felt I could make that time up to him. I began pumping as soon as they would let me. I pumped every hour for the first 24 hours trying to get my milk to come in with out a baby. By the time I got to him we were both ready. Holding him for the first time was unlike anything I have ever felt before. Alex said everyone in the room was crying but honestly it was just me and my boy. We spent two weeks in the NICU and then I brought my tiny baby home.
While our situation was not ideal I know we were covered by Gods grace. Things could have been so much worse. I am so aware of how lucky we really were. I am forever grateful for the doctors and nurses. While their medical care was outstanding the love and tenderness they displayed to my family was something they don't get paid to do. It wasn't until I was home that I finally learned what HELLP Syndrome is. I learned what it meant for me then and for my future. I realized that I was in a special group of women who had survived this. I began researching more and more. A second baby was the last think on my mind at this point but I couldn't help but wonder if we would have to go through this again. Its been almost two years now and we have decided to try again but the journey to getting here was more than I could have ever imagined.
http://www.whatthehellp.com/
http://www.preeclampsia.org/
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