New Grandpa

2017 was grounded in time with my family. We spent countless hours playing, traveling and exploring. It was a year of blessings, countless memories, and loads of joy. But no year comes without its aches, losses, and hurts. We mourned the loss of young and old as well as pouring out prayers for friends and family enduring heart breaks of health, loss, and change. But in the end there was one moment that hallmarked my year.

In 2017 we found my grandfather and then lost my grandfather. All in a few months. My grandmother raised my mom alone and my mom never knew who her father was. There had been hints and speculation but nothing for certain. The man that everyone suggested was never involved but there were signs that he knew and that his family certainly did. I was raised under the impression that this man was her father but that he had passed away before she knew him. We spent time with this family and developed a sweet relationship. I am so grateful for that rumor because it gave me the sweet influence and love from my Aunt Pearl. While my mother believed this as best she could,  there was always a bit of skepticism in the back of her mind. 

That little bit of uncertainty is what I believe drew her to Ancestry.com. She began by researching and trying to find the family connections but it never came together until she did the DNA test. She submitted her kit and it didn't take long. The details came back and process of elimination began. Very quickly that family was ruled out. There as no connection at all. And so she began the process of investigation. Months worth of files, emails, and work led her to one name. It was a name that had never been mentioned before. Being from a very small town it was a name and family we were familiar with but never  heard that he and my grandmother knew each other. When I look back on this I am so proud of my moms work. She was brave and bold in this process. I think when you decide you are going to reach out to someone about possible infidelity or even just promiscuity you have to be committed to the process. So she did it. She reached out to his family and asked them to provide a sample DNA to prove her speculations true. Amazingly, they provided the DNA and we all sat on the edge of our seats waiting for the results. When they finally came back we found the speculation was true. All her hard work and uncomfortable conversations paid off. He was her father. 

It was an exciting and equally terrifying time. What do you do with that information? Do you settle with simply knowing or do you seek out more? And the questions of do you meet him and if so why?  The questions and concerns washed over her and all of us. What would it mean to know him and what would it matter. He had missed out on her life and missed out on ours. But we aren't the type to let it go. We had to meet him but she had to go first. So on a sunny afternoon she drove herself to meet her Dad. When we talked on her way she was a ball of nerves. What if his age didn't allow him to understand? What if he didn't believe her or even worse didn't care? All the what if''s were overwhelming but she was committed and so she followed through. 

As soon as she entered the room his smiled calmed her nerves. He was wonderful. He was kind, funny, and glad to have her. He told her she looked like him. He told her that he never knew about her but that he wished he would have. He was accepting and even proud. She fell instantly. Apparently a host of my mothers wonderful qualities passed on genetically from this sweet man. He was known for smiling and being kind to everyone. He never met a stranger. He was silly and witty. All of these characteristics are the same I would use to describe my mother. The questions of why you would want to meet him became answered. We needed to meet him because as it turns out we were like him. A little bit rebellious but a lot a bit of fun. Mom and I always get caught saying my friend at the Walmart checkout or my friend at sonic or my friend that works at the nail salon. As instantly was we make a good person our friend is as quickly as he made us his family. 

My brother and I went to meet him. Because of his age and health I decided to take my boys to meet him too. It was a great visit. It will forever be etched in my mind as the day I met my grandpa. Not my moms biological father but my grandpa. He was quick to love us and that filled the gap of a lifetime without him. That one day would provide enough warmth to sustain never meeting with him again. 

In the following weeks he passed away. My mother was included in the service and we were able to meet all the family. He lays in the same cemetery as my grandmother. Its a crazy experience, finding your family. We are his lineage. His ears, his smile, his laugh, the good and the bad. We belong. 

Looking into this year its hard to imagine anything can top that feeling but you never know what life will bring or when it will bring it! 

Home is our sanctuary

Over this Christmas break I found myself reading. I'm sure it irritated my husband and children but sometimes I just need to have my nose stuck in a book. I started with "He will be my ruin" a murder mystery and thriller type. I was done with it in a day, I just couldn't wait for the ending! Then I moved onto a little self help. First as Present over Perfect followed by The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. The were a little deeper spiritually. In fact looking back they were perfect choices for the New Year. Even if I didn't plan it. I also managed to fit in an equally good new years documentary, Minimalism. Truth is I have been on this get rid of things kick for awhile. Moving to Seattle with two small pods will do that to you. But really it has been about more than that. Its about not coveting things of this world. Not spending my money on useless and joyless items. Also not owning items that make me disconnected from the average person of this world. Now I felt someone proud of the job we had done. We had quit with name brand for the most part or at least didn't purchase it because of its brand. I slowed down on retail therapy and really thought twice about the purchase. We have never had cable but we got rid of Hulu and tried to simplify our television intake. Overall we have been on this journey to minimize. However I realized over the break we are far from there. We are also maybe not fully understanding the mindset of removing the stuff to be more present in the world.  I was moved so deeply by the words in the tidy book. She suggested to thank your home for all it does for you. I thought about how I have treated this home. First, I hated it because it was too new, it has no character, and its too big. Then, I spent time searching for a different house that would ultimately make me happier. Then right in the middle of this book it was like God just tapped me on the shoulder and said "hey britt- this .is shelter, your shelter" I realized for the first time that my home was Gods provision on my life for shelter. Not my paradise, not my pride, not my item to covet or hate. It is my shelter and it is a sanctuary from the storm of life. I realized in that moment that so many in this world would be mind blown if they had this shelter and the freedom that we so often take for granted. So I thanked my home and I thanked God. My home for being so good to me and giving me such wonderful shelter and God for giving me this beautiful place for my children to grow and be happy. I know my road to present, tidy, minimized joy might be a long one but the joys and insights each day make it so worth it.

Minimalism 
Life Changing Magic of Tidying
Present Over Perfect
He Will Be My Ruin

Love, Seattle, Arkansas, and April

Five years ago I embarked on one crazy journey! 2010 I married my favorite man of all time. He is my sanity, my adventure, my love, and my life. 2011 we lived in a precious little lake house in Conway. That precious little lake then flooded our little house and everything in it. So we spent a few months stranded and then we bought our first house! 2012 was pretty normal, possibly even boring, well right up until I got pregnant and began puking every 20 min! 2013 our sweet baby boy joined the world. We found out I am not so good at pregnancy and learned what it was like to parent a preemie. 2014 would have been a normal calm year but then we decided to move to Seattle and get pregnant again. 2015 we rediscovered I'm not so good at pregnancy, we had our new baby boy, learned about life with two kids, and then decided to move back to Arkansas. 5 years of adventures. 5 years of hardships and five years of overcoming. 5 years of salvation, 5 years of grace, 5 years of learning and love. I can't imagine anyone else in the world that would love this roller coaster as much as I do!

I am beyond excited about our next adventure. Arkansas is in our blood. I guess its hard to describe unless you are from there. Statistically it is literally the worst in everything. They say our schools are failing, we are all obese, and poor to boot. Not to mention our dang football team! They keep telling us this but we just turn the music up a little louder. Oh how my heart beats for my home state. Ask any of us ,we will talk about it like its the next best thing to the pearly gates. I know a big part of that is the people but I tell you when I'm away from Arkansas the moment the plane lands in Little Rock I want to go make angels in the grass. It is my first true love and coming home is easy.

And then again its not.

Seattle will now and forever be so special to me. I'm starting the water works just thinking about it. Before we came here we were very specific with our prayers. We prayed for good neighbors,we prayed for friends, we prayed for a baby, we prayed for happiness and adventure. When I think about our time here all I can say is our GOD is SO BIG!

Oh our neighbors! We have the best neighbors in the entire world. I'm not even kidding if you think yours are better call me and I'll tell you about the girl scout cookie cake and then I will tell you I win! From the day we moved in we have had the best times in our backyard. Every afternoon has been spent with the kids. Seven at one house, two at the other, and one more just beside us. We had enough kids to play real baseball and football games. We made boo boos all better, we made bad days turn good, and we conquered the world one feisty political convo at a time. In turn I found one of my best friends. April was there for me when I didn't even know I needed her. We were two peas in a pod from the get go. She made sure we were taken care of and went the extra steps to show our family we were cared for too. She has loved my babies like they are her own and leaving her and the kiddos has made leaving Seattle far harder than I could have imagined. Its not every day you meet some one who is as exceptional as she is. I wish I had half of her joy and strength. She is a one woman crew! She manages her house and then makes time to come over and help me manage mine. I prayed for a friend and God went above and beyond with her. When I was homesick she made it better. When I was afraid to get around the city she pushed me out the door. I can't imagine how different this experience would have been without her. She made me happy and she made me strong. I pray no matter where I am in this world I have April on speed dial and someone just like here near by.

Our baby! I mean of all the places in the world we get moved to where there is a doctor who not only specializes in Preeclampsia/HELLP but also founded the foundation for researching it. Only God can make things like this happen. So we had a baby and he is perfect. He is big and I am fine. Seattle made our family complete. That's something I'm not sure we could have done or would have done anywhere else.

We have had the absolute best adventure here. We spent every weekend here exploring this area. From the Canadian border to the Oregon coast. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I am so grateful for our time here and all it has given us. I love you Seattle. I adore your strange people, your tall trees, and your peek a boo mountain. I hope my visits here happen as often as possible.

But its time to go home. We miss my grandparents and the boys miss theirs too. I miss my MOMMY, I mean I miss her so much. But don't think the adventure stops here! Our motto for next year is "See Arkansas First". I can't wait to explore my home state. I also can't wait to see what and who God brings into our life.

Alex my dear I'm grateful we don't know whats in store for us next. Living life a little on the crazy side has always been our thing and I fear it always will be! I absolutely love doing life with you and I know you are the only person crazy enough to enjoy it as much as I do! Cheers to our next big adventure!!

The big arrival!

Such is the story of my life.. I give control to God and he does things bigger and better than I could have planned! I posted about finishing my race and doing it without complaint. I couldn't have known that my race was almost over. Okay lets be honest, now that I am on the other side of it, this race has just begun and has added hurdles. 

* warning: this is a long one, grab your coffee now :)

My mom flew into Seattle August 4th and planned to stay until the baby arrived. If he arrived early she would depart on the 21st of August. I have to be honest the moment her plane landed I was ready. I wanted her to be around to help with the baby as long as possible. I only made it to 34 weeks in my first pregnancy so this time by 37 weeks I was ready to have a baby! Alex disagreed. He wanted me to make it to term and not have an early planned cesarean. Now don't get me wrong I did not plan to have an early c section. My plan was to spontaneously go into labor and have a vbac. If I never went into labor my doctor would schedule a cesarean at 39 weeks as it would be too risky for me to go beyond that day. (If you are curious about my riskiness see earlier posts) I woke every morning praying for labor to happen! I couldn't wait to have a contraction, crazy I know. I didn't care so much about the experience of labor I think babies coming into this world is an experience no matter the entrance...or exit as it may be. I just wanted to have the recovery of a vaginal birth. At this point I was visiting the doctor weekly. We did a weekly NST as well. The baby was always great and my TOCO was always flat (this means labor was no where in sight). We checked my cervix at the appointment before and I was closed shut and locked. Even with all that I was still hopeful my water would just magically break the next day and that I would shoot into labor.

Monday, August 10th, I went into L&D around 10 pm. I would like to say that I went because my water broke but that is just not what happened. I had been instructed to check my BP once or twice a day. I checked it that evening and it was around 147/110. I called L&D and they informed me I was over my limit and had to come in. Upon arrival my BP remained high. They checked me in, discussed delivery options and began running tests. Everything came back normal and somewhere in the middle of the night my bp went back to normal as well. My protein was elevated but not enough to diagnose me as preeclamptic. I was sent home with a giant jug to do my very own 12 hour urine sample (nothing more lovely than storing urine in your fridge all day). I had to go in that evening to turn in my sample and discuss the next steps with my doctor. Thankfully my protein came back as normal and so we went back to the normal plan. If I go into labor great if not I would be scheduled. In the mean time I needed to keep checking the bp at home. I was also placed on blood pressure medicine to keep it nice and low.

Wednesday August 12th, I had felt a little off all day. Mom and I had ran some errands around town. It was a good day but I kept feeling like my vision was off, enough so I made her drive. (my mother driving in Seattle could have an entire post of its own) I also had a nagging headache but it was cooler that day so I just decided it was sinus pressure. That afternoon I took a nap in hopes of feeling better but when I woke up I felt worse. My mom even noticed that I looked like I felt...not good. So I took my bp and instantly knew it was game on! My bp was around 153/110. This normally would be high but not terrible. But remember I'm on blood pressure medicine, I shouldn't be having anything over 120/80. I knew this was it. The moment I had prayed wouldn't happen but had planned for either way. I was going to develop preeclampsia again. We got to the hospital as quick as possible and I was right. I had elevated bp and proteins. Thankfully my platelets and liver were doing just fine, that means no HELLP...PRAISE THE LORD!!

So the same doctor who came to me about a vbac two days before came back with the news I expected. I was already risky for a vbac but an induced vbac just seemed to create more risk than I was willing to take. So a cesarean it would be.  The moment we all agreed the wheels began to turn. 

Alex and I were dressed and prepped! Things were so different this time, while we were having a rushed cesarean we were not at the emergency point so we really got to have the birth experience. He called for mom and brother while I went back for anesthesia. Alex came back into the room as they got me settled onto the bed. The entire staff was professional and so reassuring for me. They set up my bed to where I would be able to see the baby as soon as he was out. My surgery went well. I unfortunately had quite a bit of scar tissue so things went a little longer than expected. I also got sick this time, that was an experience, but the anesthesiologist made it seem like a drop in the bucket. The best part of this entire experience was that I could feel that baby kicking right up until his exit. I think he was excited to see me! They announced that he would be arriving shortly and then we heard the scream. I said he didn't scream fast enough and Alex informed me it was maybe 2 seconds (felt like 20 min). They took him to his table wiped him down, did all the prep work and brought him straight to my chest. My little boy was nursing before I knew it and I was crying like a baby! It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life! He stayed with me the rest of the evening and we began our life as a family of four. God is just so good.

In the end my race was clear. I would get sick again but God would walk me through it just like he had before. I ran my race with a faithful heart, putting all my trust in him. God was with us the entire time and we know he poured his grace into my pregnancy and delivery. I can never be thankful enough for all he has done for me.

I never in my life imagined I would be a preeclampsia/HELLP survivor but I am. I feel like one responsibility of mine is to keep others informed! If you are expecting or know someone who is make sure they know and understand the disease. Nothing to be afraid of or worried about but best to be educated just in case. http://www.preeclampsia.org/health-information/sign-symptoms

The Finish Line

My bible study this AM could not have been more spot on.

"Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1b

Holy smokes I am almost 38 weeks pregnant. I can't believe even as I am living it. I would have never imagined making it this far into a pregnancy. Now I am looking at the finish line going when, when will I stop being pregnant. It almost feels like I have an eternity left when in reality its just a few weeks. I am struggling with my emotions at this point. First, I am so incredibly grateful for this baby and Gods grace over this pregnancy. I'm going to have a big baby this time. I'm going to have a baby who can breath on his own, eat on his own, and hopefully stay out of a baby box for more than a few minutes. I'm not sure I even know what to do with a full term baby but I am so ready to find out. Second, I am so terribly over it! I am grateful for the past 38 weeks but I have never been this pregnant before! Here at the end its like okay lets just get this baby out of here. I know I should want him to stay in until fully cooked but I know he could be out in my arms right now. I feel guilty even as I type it! I can't believe I am that girl. The girl who is walking miles daily and trying all the old wives tales for labor! I have found that even in my own life no two pregnancies are the same. When we comment on another woman's experience and emotions we are fools. First pregnancy me would have second pregnancy me. She would tell her to quit complaining and just be happy to be this far. But I'm not in the first any more and so complaining is a new part of my day. I am too large for my clothes, my shoes don't fit, I can't clean house, and I feel utterly worthless.

However, God was so faithful every day to send me reminders in his word. So today let me run my race with endurance. I do not get to pick the finish line. I am going to run as hard and happy as I can until he gets me to the end. Wishing for it everyday will not help. He knows the very best date and time and I have to depend on his timing for my best results. So I will wake up with this as my mantra. I will put on my "running gear" everyday and give each day my all. I will practice endurance daily and complain less. This is the race I prayed for, the race I worked for, and now he is going to give me the greatest reward.

I hope soon to be telling you about my sweet baby but I still have weeks to go! Whatever your race is focus on the finish and don't sweat the hills and curves.

PEACE

John 14:27- "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

I have been thinking a lot lately about how God sets us apart. Not in the chosen people kind of way but rather that he has made us so inherently different after salvation that those who do not believe have no capability to understand some of our ways. Its been buzzing around in my mind for a few weeks but I felt this mornings quiet time gave me a small example of such things.

He says he does not give to us as the world gives us. So I looked up the definition of peace. It is freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, or obsession. So I thought of these things as what the world offers being annoyed in traffic, distracted by our phones, anxious about money, or obsessed with gaining worldly goals. Then I realized God gives this peace his peace that should free our minds from the things that tie it up. These worldly things bind us and keep us from reaching this peace. Some people will never understand that meaning of true peace. They may never understand why we can say we will pray for you and walk away. Its this belief in God followed by the peace he gives us. I love the reminder at the end do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Sometimes we are so good at this. We can say a prayer for a friend and we no longer worry about what is troubling them, we say a prayer as we hit the 5th round of turbulence on a long flight and we are no longer afraid. So why then are we still caught up with so much trouble and fear.

I took this verse as a reminder to PRAY about everything. When we pray to God we let go of the fear which opens our hearts up to receiving the peace he offers. Its such a simple solution to happiness that we often look over.

Growing a human gives you a thousand reasons to be annoyed, distracted, anxious, or obsessed. It allows your heart to worry and for fear to take over. With each day that passes I find myself more concerned that I will get sick again. Then I imagine myself making it to 40 weeks and having a big chunky baby! My mind is running wild with ideas. Not to mention the hormones making all of this even more crazy! However I have found that every time I stop and pray I free my mind up a little more and give God room to give me peace. No matter the outcome I want to walk away from it being free from fear and abundant with peace.

29 Weeks and Counting

I will Rise

Proverbs 27:17, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (ESV)

I just got back from a wonderful visit to Arkansas. Coming home is always a bit of a challenge. It is doubled when you are traveling with your wild two year old and your blossoming baby bump. You have to plan for car seats, a car, where you will stay, packing, what you will eat, and so on. Its funny because you feel at home but really you have no home, no car, no stuff. We stayed for 13 days and that was only because of the grace poured out by my mother. She sacrificed her comforts to give us two weeks of our own comforts. The trip will be the last time I visit Arkansas until our baby is born. My doctor has given me strict no fly orders after 25 weeks. The trip was intended to give us a quick visit with most of our family and some of our friends. But God always has other plans. This trip turned out to be a growing experience for my heart and mind. 

On the flight down I read the book Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. The book has many underlying themes but the biggest is being brave and forging through because you have to. You have to do things sometimes just to make you stronger. I loved that she was alone. She actually set herself up to be alone as often as possible. How funny is that. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking phone a friend girl and get out of there. I came into the trip ready to forge my own path and get what I needed out of the trip. Not for the sake of others but just for myself. Now I am sure that sounds selfish but it wasn't intentional. I had a lot of people to see and very little time. Combine that with very little energy to do it all. I will admit that I didn't actually pray for people to accommodate me but it was like God sent little angels along my way. The first day I had two families stop by my mothers house. They were people I wanted to see but wasn't sure how to fit it in. Their dropping in was perfect. It continued with friends driving in from more than two hours away. I couldn't have been more grateful for their visits. One because it ensured I got to see them and love on them. Also, because it meant I didn't have to drive to make it happen. The sacrifice they made is worth more to me than I can explain. 

As the week progressed I tried to double up my visits as much as possible. Seeing as many people as I could along the way. At the same time when I found no one was available I was just as grateful. When we are in Seattle we don't have the same support system we do in Arkansas. I can't call my mom to come by and help whenever I need her to. So I took advantage of my quiet days. I appreciated that I didn't have any laundry to do, no dinner to prepare, and no house to clean. I just played babysitter with Hudson. We laid up on the couch watching cartoons, we sat outside blowing bubbles for hours and best of all I had no guilt. I didn't feel like I needed to do anything with my time but enjoy my boy. I put my pregnant feet up and enjoyed being pregnant. I finally got over all the nausea and was just happy to be enjoying the little movements of our little nugget. 

So now to the verse, iron sharpens iron. I didn't know going into this trip how much I needed to be lifted up. The months of sickness had wore me down. I was tired and self loathing. I didn't feel confident in my pregnancy or my mothering skills. I had spent so much time being sick I had forgotten how to just feel good. That's when God stepped in and sent others to sharpen me. Visit after visit I kept hearing gracious words. You look great, you are so strong, you are brave, you are beautiful. After about the third or fourth time I started believing it. I found it easier to get around in the mornings. I wanted to get dressed and go out. I was ready to conquer the rest of this pregnancy and be the best mommy I could be. I found myself being brave not because of myself but because you told me I was. I was reminded of how important gracious words can be when they flow from a loving heart. My sweet sisters in Christ have lifted me up. I kept singing Shawn McDonald's verses I will rise out of these ashes, rise, from this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground, I will rise, Cause he who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise.  

So today I say THANK YOU! Thank you to women who allow gracious kind words to flow from your heart and pour out on others. I didn't know at the time how much I needed you to lift me up but you did it. I pray that I get the opportunity to return those kind words, I pray God will send me on the day you need rising up. 


So we are 20 weeks and this Friday we find out the gender! Praise the Lord we are half way there. This also means we are a few weeks closer to determining if I will have the same outcomes during this pregnancy that I had with Hudson. HELLP can present as early as 25-28 weeks. We are asking for prayers that we will miss this mark and keep going strong as long as possible.