Five years ago I embarked on one crazy journey! 2010 I married my favorite man of all time. He is my sanity, my adventure, my love, and my life. 2011 we lived in a precious little lake house in Conway. That precious little lake then flooded our little house and everything in it. So we spent a few months stranded and then we bought our first house! 2012 was pretty normal, possibly even boring, well right up until I got pregnant and began puking every 20 min! 2013 our sweet baby boy joined the world. We found out I am not so good at pregnancy and learned what it was like to parent a preemie. 2014 would have been a normal calm year but then we decided to move to Seattle and get pregnant again. 2015 we rediscovered I'm not so good at pregnancy, we had our new baby boy, learned about life with two kids, and then decided to move back to Arkansas. 5 years of adventures. 5 years of hardships and five years of overcoming. 5 years of salvation, 5 years of grace, 5 years of learning and love. I can't imagine anyone else in the world that would love this roller coaster as much as I do!
I am beyond excited about our next adventure. Arkansas is in our blood. I guess its hard to describe unless you are from there. Statistically it is literally the worst in everything. They say our schools are failing, we are all obese, and poor to boot. Not to mention our dang football team! They keep telling us this but we just turn the music up a little louder. Oh how my heart beats for my home state. Ask any of us ,we will talk about it like its the next best thing to the pearly gates. I know a big part of that is the people but I tell you when I'm away from Arkansas the moment the plane lands in Little Rock I want to go make angels in the grass. It is my first true love and coming home is easy.
And then again its not.
Seattle will now and forever be so special to me. I'm starting the water works just thinking about it. Before we came here we were very specific with our prayers. We prayed for good neighbors,we prayed for friends, we prayed for a baby, we prayed for happiness and adventure. When I think about our time here all I can say is our GOD is SO BIG!
Oh our neighbors! We have the best neighbors in the entire world. I'm not even kidding if you think yours are better call me and I'll tell you about the girl scout cookie cake and then I will tell you I win! From the day we moved in we have had the best times in our backyard. Every afternoon has been spent with the kids. Seven at one house, two at the other, and one more just beside us. We had enough kids to play real baseball and football games. We made boo boos all better, we made bad days turn good, and we conquered the world one feisty political convo at a time. In turn I found one of my best friends. April was there for me when I didn't even know I needed her. We were two peas in a pod from the get go. She made sure we were taken care of and went the extra steps to show our family we were cared for too. She has loved my babies like they are her own and leaving her and the kiddos has made leaving Seattle far harder than I could have imagined. Its not every day you meet some one who is as exceptional as she is. I wish I had half of her joy and strength. She is a one woman crew! She manages her house and then makes time to come over and help me manage mine. I prayed for a friend and God went above and beyond with her. When I was homesick she made it better. When I was afraid to get around the city she pushed me out the door. I can't imagine how different this experience would have been without her. She made me happy and she made me strong. I pray no matter where I am in this world I have April on speed dial and someone just like here near by.
Our baby! I mean of all the places in the world we get moved to where there is a doctor who not only specializes in Preeclampsia/HELLP but also founded the foundation for researching it. Only God can make things like this happen. So we had a baby and he is perfect. He is big and I am fine. Seattle made our family complete. That's something I'm not sure we could have done or would have done anywhere else.
We have had the absolute best adventure here. We spent every weekend here exploring this area. From the Canadian border to the Oregon coast. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I am so grateful for our time here and all it has given us. I love you Seattle. I adore your strange people, your tall trees, and your peek a boo mountain. I hope my visits here happen as often as possible.
But its time to go home. We miss my grandparents and the boys miss theirs too. I miss my MOMMY, I mean I miss her so much. But don't think the adventure stops here! Our motto for next year is "See Arkansas First". I can't wait to explore my home state. I also can't wait to see what and who God brings into our life.
Alex my dear I'm grateful we don't know whats in store for us next. Living life a little on the crazy side has always been our thing and I fear it always will be! I absolutely love doing life with you and I know you are the only person crazy enough to enjoy it as much as I do! Cheers to our next big adventure!!
Friday, October 2, 2015
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
The big arrival!
Such is the story of my life.. I give control to God and he does things bigger and better than I could have planned! I posted about finishing my race and doing it without complaint. I couldn't have known that my race was almost over. Okay lets be honest, now that I am on the other side of it, this race has just begun and has added hurdles.
* warning: this is a long one, grab your coffee now :)
My mom flew into Seattle August 4th and planned to stay until the baby arrived. If he arrived early she would depart on the 21st of August. I have to be honest the moment her plane landed I was ready. I wanted her to be around to help with the baby as long as possible. I only made it to 34 weeks in my first pregnancy so this time by 37 weeks I was ready to have a baby! Alex disagreed. He wanted me to make it to term and not have an early planned cesarean. Now don't get me wrong I did not plan to have an early c section. My plan was to spontaneously go into labor and have a vbac. If I never went into labor my doctor would schedule a cesarean at 39 weeks as it would be too risky for me to go beyond that day. (If you are curious about my riskiness see earlier posts) I woke every morning praying for labor to happen! I couldn't wait to have a contraction, crazy I know. I didn't care so much about the experience of labor I think babies coming into this world is an experience no matter the entrance...or exit as it may be. I just wanted to have the recovery of a vaginal birth. At this point I was visiting the doctor weekly. We did a weekly NST as well. The baby was always great and my TOCO was always flat (this means labor was no where in sight). We checked my cervix at the appointment before and I was closed shut and locked. Even with all that I was still hopeful my water would just magically break the next day and that I would shoot into labor.
Monday, August 10th, I went into L&D around 10 pm. I would like to say that I went because my water broke but that is just not what happened. I had been instructed to check my BP once or twice a day. I checked it that evening and it was around 147/110. I called L&D and they informed me I was over my limit and had to come in. Upon arrival my BP remained high. They checked me in, discussed delivery options and began running tests. Everything came back normal and somewhere in the middle of the night my bp went back to normal as well. My protein was elevated but not enough to diagnose me as preeclamptic. I was sent home with a giant jug to do my very own 12 hour urine sample (nothing more lovely than storing urine in your fridge all day). I had to go in that evening to turn in my sample and discuss the next steps with my doctor. Thankfully my protein came back as normal and so we went back to the normal plan. If I go into labor great if not I would be scheduled. In the mean time I needed to keep checking the bp at home. I was also placed on blood pressure medicine to keep it nice and low.
Wednesday August 12th, I had felt a little off all day. Mom and I had ran some errands around town. It was a good day but I kept feeling like my vision was off, enough so I made her drive. (my mother driving in Seattle could have an entire post of its own) I also had a nagging headache but it was cooler that day so I just decided it was sinus pressure. That afternoon I took a nap in hopes of feeling better but when I woke up I felt worse. My mom even noticed that I looked like I felt...not good. So I took my bp and instantly knew it was game on! My bp was around 153/110. This normally would be high but not terrible. But remember I'm on blood pressure medicine, I shouldn't be having anything over 120/80. I knew this was it. The moment I had prayed wouldn't happen but had planned for either way. I was going to develop preeclampsia again. We got to the hospital as quick as possible and I was right. I had elevated bp and proteins. Thankfully my platelets and liver were doing just fine, that means no HELLP...PRAISE THE LORD!!
So the same doctor who came to me about a vbac two days before came back with the news I expected. I was already risky for a vbac but an induced vbac just seemed to create more risk than I was willing to take. So a cesarean it would be. The moment we all agreed the wheels began to turn.
Alex and I were dressed and prepped! Things were so different this time, while we were having a rushed cesarean we were not at the emergency point so we really got to have the birth experience. He called for mom and brother while I went back for anesthesia. Alex came back into the room as they got me settled onto the bed. The entire staff was professional and so reassuring for me. They set up my bed to where I would be able to see the baby as soon as he was out. My surgery went well. I unfortunately had quite a bit of scar tissue so things went a little longer than expected. I also got sick this time, that was an experience, but the anesthesiologist made it seem like a drop in the bucket. The best part of this entire experience was that I could feel that baby kicking right up until his exit. I think he was excited to see me! They announced that he would be arriving shortly and then we heard the scream. I said he didn't scream fast enough and Alex informed me it was maybe 2 seconds (felt like 20 min). They took him to his table wiped him down, did all the prep work and brought him straight to my chest. My little boy was nursing before I knew it and I was crying like a baby! It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life! He stayed with me the rest of the evening and we began our life as a family of four. God is just so good.
In the end my race was clear. I would get sick again but God would walk me through it just like he had before. I ran my race with a faithful heart, putting all my trust in him. God was with us the entire time and we know he poured his grace into my pregnancy and delivery. I can never be thankful enough for all he has done for me.
I never in my life imagined I would be a preeclampsia/HELLP survivor but I am. I feel like one responsibility of mine is to keep others informed! If you are expecting or know someone who is make sure they know and understand the disease. Nothing to be afraid of or worried about but best to be educated just in case. http://www.preeclampsia.org/health-information/sign-symptoms
* warning: this is a long one, grab your coffee now :)
My mom flew into Seattle August 4th and planned to stay until the baby arrived. If he arrived early she would depart on the 21st of August. I have to be honest the moment her plane landed I was ready. I wanted her to be around to help with the baby as long as possible. I only made it to 34 weeks in my first pregnancy so this time by 37 weeks I was ready to have a baby! Alex disagreed. He wanted me to make it to term and not have an early planned cesarean. Now don't get me wrong I did not plan to have an early c section. My plan was to spontaneously go into labor and have a vbac. If I never went into labor my doctor would schedule a cesarean at 39 weeks as it would be too risky for me to go beyond that day. (If you are curious about my riskiness see earlier posts) I woke every morning praying for labor to happen! I couldn't wait to have a contraction, crazy I know. I didn't care so much about the experience of labor I think babies coming into this world is an experience no matter the entrance...or exit as it may be. I just wanted to have the recovery of a vaginal birth. At this point I was visiting the doctor weekly. We did a weekly NST as well. The baby was always great and my TOCO was always flat (this means labor was no where in sight). We checked my cervix at the appointment before and I was closed shut and locked. Even with all that I was still hopeful my water would just magically break the next day and that I would shoot into labor.
Monday, August 10th, I went into L&D around 10 pm. I would like to say that I went because my water broke but that is just not what happened. I had been instructed to check my BP once or twice a day. I checked it that evening and it was around 147/110. I called L&D and they informed me I was over my limit and had to come in. Upon arrival my BP remained high. They checked me in, discussed delivery options and began running tests. Everything came back normal and somewhere in the middle of the night my bp went back to normal as well. My protein was elevated but not enough to diagnose me as preeclamptic. I was sent home with a giant jug to do my very own 12 hour urine sample (nothing more lovely than storing urine in your fridge all day). I had to go in that evening to turn in my sample and discuss the next steps with my doctor. Thankfully my protein came back as normal and so we went back to the normal plan. If I go into labor great if not I would be scheduled. In the mean time I needed to keep checking the bp at home. I was also placed on blood pressure medicine to keep it nice and low.
Wednesday August 12th, I had felt a little off all day. Mom and I had ran some errands around town. It was a good day but I kept feeling like my vision was off, enough so I made her drive. (my mother driving in Seattle could have an entire post of its own) I also had a nagging headache but it was cooler that day so I just decided it was sinus pressure. That afternoon I took a nap in hopes of feeling better but when I woke up I felt worse. My mom even noticed that I looked like I felt...not good. So I took my bp and instantly knew it was game on! My bp was around 153/110. This normally would be high but not terrible. But remember I'm on blood pressure medicine, I shouldn't be having anything over 120/80. I knew this was it. The moment I had prayed wouldn't happen but had planned for either way. I was going to develop preeclampsia again. We got to the hospital as quick as possible and I was right. I had elevated bp and proteins. Thankfully my platelets and liver were doing just fine, that means no HELLP...PRAISE THE LORD!!
So the same doctor who came to me about a vbac two days before came back with the news I expected. I was already risky for a vbac but an induced vbac just seemed to create more risk than I was willing to take. So a cesarean it would be. The moment we all agreed the wheels began to turn.
Alex and I were dressed and prepped! Things were so different this time, while we were having a rushed cesarean we were not at the emergency point so we really got to have the birth experience. He called for mom and brother while I went back for anesthesia. Alex came back into the room as they got me settled onto the bed. The entire staff was professional and so reassuring for me. They set up my bed to where I would be able to see the baby as soon as he was out. My surgery went well. I unfortunately had quite a bit of scar tissue so things went a little longer than expected. I also got sick this time, that was an experience, but the anesthesiologist made it seem like a drop in the bucket. The best part of this entire experience was that I could feel that baby kicking right up until his exit. I think he was excited to see me! They announced that he would be arriving shortly and then we heard the scream. I said he didn't scream fast enough and Alex informed me it was maybe 2 seconds (felt like 20 min). They took him to his table wiped him down, did all the prep work and brought him straight to my chest. My little boy was nursing before I knew it and I was crying like a baby! It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life! He stayed with me the rest of the evening and we began our life as a family of four. God is just so good.
In the end my race was clear. I would get sick again but God would walk me through it just like he had before. I ran my race with a faithful heart, putting all my trust in him. God was with us the entire time and we know he poured his grace into my pregnancy and delivery. I can never be thankful enough for all he has done for me.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
The Finish Line
My bible study this AM could not have been more spot on.
"Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1b
Holy smokes I am almost 38 weeks pregnant. I can't believe even as I am living it. I would have never imagined making it this far into a pregnancy. Now I am looking at the finish line going when, when will I stop being pregnant. It almost feels like I have an eternity left when in reality its just a few weeks. I am struggling with my emotions at this point. First, I am so incredibly grateful for this baby and Gods grace over this pregnancy. I'm going to have a big baby this time. I'm going to have a baby who can breath on his own, eat on his own, and hopefully stay out of a baby box for more than a few minutes. I'm not sure I even know what to do with a full term baby but I am so ready to find out. Second, I am so terribly over it! I am grateful for the past 38 weeks but I have never been this pregnant before! Here at the end its like okay lets just get this baby out of here. I know I should want him to stay in until fully cooked but I know he could be out in my arms right now. I feel guilty even as I type it! I can't believe I am that girl. The girl who is walking miles daily and trying all the old wives tales for labor! I have found that even in my own life no two pregnancies are the same. When we comment on another woman's experience and emotions we are fools. First pregnancy me would have second pregnancy me. She would tell her to quit complaining and just be happy to be this far. But I'm not in the first any more and so complaining is a new part of my day. I am too large for my clothes, my shoes don't fit, I can't clean house, and I feel utterly worthless.
However, God was so faithful every day to send me reminders in his word. So today let me run my race with endurance. I do not get to pick the finish line. I am going to run as hard and happy as I can until he gets me to the end. Wishing for it everyday will not help. He knows the very best date and time and I have to depend on his timing for my best results. So I will wake up with this as my mantra. I will put on my "running gear" everyday and give each day my all. I will practice endurance daily and complain less. This is the race I prayed for, the race I worked for, and now he is going to give me the greatest reward.
I hope soon to be telling you about my sweet baby but I still have weeks to go! Whatever your race is focus on the finish and don't sweat the hills and curves.
"Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1b
Holy smokes I am almost 38 weeks pregnant. I can't believe even as I am living it. I would have never imagined making it this far into a pregnancy. Now I am looking at the finish line going when, when will I stop being pregnant. It almost feels like I have an eternity left when in reality its just a few weeks. I am struggling with my emotions at this point. First, I am so incredibly grateful for this baby and Gods grace over this pregnancy. I'm going to have a big baby this time. I'm going to have a baby who can breath on his own, eat on his own, and hopefully stay out of a baby box for more than a few minutes. I'm not sure I even know what to do with a full term baby but I am so ready to find out. Second, I am so terribly over it! I am grateful for the past 38 weeks but I have never been this pregnant before! Here at the end its like okay lets just get this baby out of here. I know I should want him to stay in until fully cooked but I know he could be out in my arms right now. I feel guilty even as I type it! I can't believe I am that girl. The girl who is walking miles daily and trying all the old wives tales for labor! I have found that even in my own life no two pregnancies are the same. When we comment on another woman's experience and emotions we are fools. First pregnancy me would have second pregnancy me. She would tell her to quit complaining and just be happy to be this far. But I'm not in the first any more and so complaining is a new part of my day. I am too large for my clothes, my shoes don't fit, I can't clean house, and I feel utterly worthless.
However, God was so faithful every day to send me reminders in his word. So today let me run my race with endurance. I do not get to pick the finish line. I am going to run as hard and happy as I can until he gets me to the end. Wishing for it everyday will not help. He knows the very best date and time and I have to depend on his timing for my best results. So I will wake up with this as my mantra. I will put on my "running gear" everyday and give each day my all. I will practice endurance daily and complain less. This is the race I prayed for, the race I worked for, and now he is going to give me the greatest reward.
I hope soon to be telling you about my sweet baby but I still have weeks to go! Whatever your race is focus on the finish and don't sweat the hills and curves.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
PEACE
John 14:27- "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
I have been thinking a lot lately about how God sets us apart. Not in the chosen people kind of way but rather that he has made us so inherently different after salvation that those who do not believe have no capability to understand some of our ways. Its been buzzing around in my mind for a few weeks but I felt this mornings quiet time gave me a small example of such things.
He says he does not give to us as the world gives us. So I looked up the definition of peace. It is freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, or obsession. So I thought of these things as what the world offers being annoyed in traffic, distracted by our phones, anxious about money, or obsessed with gaining worldly goals. Then I realized God gives this peace his peace that should free our minds from the things that tie it up. These worldly things bind us and keep us from reaching this peace. Some people will never understand that meaning of true peace. They may never understand why we can say we will pray for you and walk away. Its this belief in God followed by the peace he gives us. I love the reminder at the end do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Sometimes we are so good at this. We can say a prayer for a friend and we no longer worry about what is troubling them, we say a prayer as we hit the 5th round of turbulence on a long flight and we are no longer afraid. So why then are we still caught up with so much trouble and fear.
I took this verse as a reminder to PRAY about everything. When we pray to God we let go of the fear which opens our hearts up to receiving the peace he offers. Its such a simple solution to happiness that we often look over.
Growing a human gives you a thousand reasons to be annoyed, distracted, anxious, or obsessed. It allows your heart to worry and for fear to take over. With each day that passes I find myself more concerned that I will get sick again. Then I imagine myself making it to 40 weeks and having a big chunky baby! My mind is running wild with ideas. Not to mention the hormones making all of this even more crazy! However I have found that every time I stop and pray I free my mind up a little more and give God room to give me peace. No matter the outcome I want to walk away from it being free from fear and abundant with peace.
29 Weeks and Counting
I have been thinking a lot lately about how God sets us apart. Not in the chosen people kind of way but rather that he has made us so inherently different after salvation that those who do not believe have no capability to understand some of our ways. Its been buzzing around in my mind for a few weeks but I felt this mornings quiet time gave me a small example of such things.
He says he does not give to us as the world gives us. So I looked up the definition of peace. It is freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, or obsession. So I thought of these things as what the world offers being annoyed in traffic, distracted by our phones, anxious about money, or obsessed with gaining worldly goals. Then I realized God gives this peace his peace that should free our minds from the things that tie it up. These worldly things bind us and keep us from reaching this peace. Some people will never understand that meaning of true peace. They may never understand why we can say we will pray for you and walk away. Its this belief in God followed by the peace he gives us. I love the reminder at the end do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Sometimes we are so good at this. We can say a prayer for a friend and we no longer worry about what is troubling them, we say a prayer as we hit the 5th round of turbulence on a long flight and we are no longer afraid. So why then are we still caught up with so much trouble and fear.
I took this verse as a reminder to PRAY about everything. When we pray to God we let go of the fear which opens our hearts up to receiving the peace he offers. Its such a simple solution to happiness that we often look over.
Growing a human gives you a thousand reasons to be annoyed, distracted, anxious, or obsessed. It allows your heart to worry and for fear to take over. With each day that passes I find myself more concerned that I will get sick again. Then I imagine myself making it to 40 weeks and having a big chunky baby! My mind is running wild with ideas. Not to mention the hormones making all of this even more crazy! However I have found that every time I stop and pray I free my mind up a little more and give God room to give me peace. No matter the outcome I want to walk away from it being free from fear and abundant with peace.
29 Weeks and Counting
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I will Rise
Proverbs 27:17, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (ESV)
I just got back from a wonderful visit to Arkansas. Coming home is always a bit of a challenge. It is doubled when you are traveling with your wild two year old and your blossoming baby bump. You have to plan for car seats, a car, where you will stay, packing, what you will eat, and so on. Its funny because you feel at home but really you have no home, no car, no stuff. We stayed for 13 days and that was only because of the grace poured out by my mother. She sacrificed her comforts to give us two weeks of our own comforts. The trip will be the last time I visit Arkansas until our baby is born. My doctor has given me strict no fly orders after 25 weeks. The trip was intended to give us a quick visit with most of our family and some of our friends. But God always has other plans. This trip turned out to be a growing experience for my heart and mind.
On the flight down I read the book Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. The book has many underlying themes but the biggest is being brave and forging through because you have to. You have to do things sometimes just to make you stronger. I loved that she was alone. She actually set herself up to be alone as often as possible. How funny is that. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking phone a friend girl and get out of there. I came into the trip ready to forge my own path and get what I needed out of the trip. Not for the sake of others but just for myself. Now I am sure that sounds selfish but it wasn't intentional. I had a lot of people to see and very little time. Combine that with very little energy to do it all. I will admit that I didn't actually pray for people to accommodate me but it was like God sent little angels along my way. The first day I had two families stop by my mothers house. They were people I wanted to see but wasn't sure how to fit it in. Their dropping in was perfect. It continued with friends driving in from more than two hours away. I couldn't have been more grateful for their visits. One because it ensured I got to see them and love on them. Also, because it meant I didn't have to drive to make it happen. The sacrifice they made is worth more to me than I can explain.
As the week progressed I tried to double up my visits as much as possible. Seeing as many people as I could along the way. At the same time when I found no one was available I was just as grateful. When we are in Seattle we don't have the same support system we do in Arkansas. I can't call my mom to come by and help whenever I need her to. So I took advantage of my quiet days. I appreciated that I didn't have any laundry to do, no dinner to prepare, and no house to clean. I just played babysitter with Hudson. We laid up on the couch watching cartoons, we sat outside blowing bubbles for hours and best of all I had no guilt. I didn't feel like I needed to do anything with my time but enjoy my boy. I put my pregnant feet up and enjoyed being pregnant. I finally got over all the nausea and was just happy to be enjoying the little movements of our little nugget.
So now to the verse, iron sharpens iron. I didn't know going into this trip how much I needed to be lifted up. The months of sickness had wore me down. I was tired and self loathing. I didn't feel confident in my pregnancy or my mothering skills. I had spent so much time being sick I had forgotten how to just feel good. That's when God stepped in and sent others to sharpen me. Visit after visit I kept hearing gracious words. You look great, you are so strong, you are brave, you are beautiful. After about the third or fourth time I started believing it. I found it easier to get around in the mornings. I wanted to get dressed and go out. I was ready to conquer the rest of this pregnancy and be the best mommy I could be. I found myself being brave not because of myself but because you told me I was. I was reminded of how important gracious words can be when they flow from a loving heart. My sweet sisters in Christ have lifted me up. I kept singing Shawn McDonald's verses I will rise out of these ashes, rise, from this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground, I will rise, Cause he who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise.
So today I say THANK YOU! Thank you to women who allow gracious kind words to flow from your heart and pour out on others. I didn't know at the time how much I needed you to lift me up but you did it. I pray that I get the opportunity to return those kind words, I pray God will send me on the day you need rising up.
So we are 20 weeks and this Friday we find out the gender! Praise the Lord we are half way there. This also means we are a few weeks closer to determining if I will have the same outcomes during this pregnancy that I had with Hudson. HELLP can present as early as 25-28 weeks. We are asking for prayers that we will miss this mark and keep going strong as long as possible.
I just got back from a wonderful visit to Arkansas. Coming home is always a bit of a challenge. It is doubled when you are traveling with your wild two year old and your blossoming baby bump. You have to plan for car seats, a car, where you will stay, packing, what you will eat, and so on. Its funny because you feel at home but really you have no home, no car, no stuff. We stayed for 13 days and that was only because of the grace poured out by my mother. She sacrificed her comforts to give us two weeks of our own comforts. The trip will be the last time I visit Arkansas until our baby is born. My doctor has given me strict no fly orders after 25 weeks. The trip was intended to give us a quick visit with most of our family and some of our friends. But God always has other plans. This trip turned out to be a growing experience for my heart and mind.
On the flight down I read the book Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. The book has many underlying themes but the biggest is being brave and forging through because you have to. You have to do things sometimes just to make you stronger. I loved that she was alone. She actually set herself up to be alone as often as possible. How funny is that. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking phone a friend girl and get out of there. I came into the trip ready to forge my own path and get what I needed out of the trip. Not for the sake of others but just for myself. Now I am sure that sounds selfish but it wasn't intentional. I had a lot of people to see and very little time. Combine that with very little energy to do it all. I will admit that I didn't actually pray for people to accommodate me but it was like God sent little angels along my way. The first day I had two families stop by my mothers house. They were people I wanted to see but wasn't sure how to fit it in. Their dropping in was perfect. It continued with friends driving in from more than two hours away. I couldn't have been more grateful for their visits. One because it ensured I got to see them and love on them. Also, because it meant I didn't have to drive to make it happen. The sacrifice they made is worth more to me than I can explain.
As the week progressed I tried to double up my visits as much as possible. Seeing as many people as I could along the way. At the same time when I found no one was available I was just as grateful. When we are in Seattle we don't have the same support system we do in Arkansas. I can't call my mom to come by and help whenever I need her to. So I took advantage of my quiet days. I appreciated that I didn't have any laundry to do, no dinner to prepare, and no house to clean. I just played babysitter with Hudson. We laid up on the couch watching cartoons, we sat outside blowing bubbles for hours and best of all I had no guilt. I didn't feel like I needed to do anything with my time but enjoy my boy. I put my pregnant feet up and enjoyed being pregnant. I finally got over all the nausea and was just happy to be enjoying the little movements of our little nugget.
So now to the verse, iron sharpens iron. I didn't know going into this trip how much I needed to be lifted up. The months of sickness had wore me down. I was tired and self loathing. I didn't feel confident in my pregnancy or my mothering skills. I had spent so much time being sick I had forgotten how to just feel good. That's when God stepped in and sent others to sharpen me. Visit after visit I kept hearing gracious words. You look great, you are so strong, you are brave, you are beautiful. After about the third or fourth time I started believing it. I found it easier to get around in the mornings. I wanted to get dressed and go out. I was ready to conquer the rest of this pregnancy and be the best mommy I could be. I found myself being brave not because of myself but because you told me I was. I was reminded of how important gracious words can be when they flow from a loving heart. My sweet sisters in Christ have lifted me up. I kept singing Shawn McDonald's verses I will rise out of these ashes, rise, from this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground, I will rise, Cause he who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise.
So today I say THANK YOU! Thank you to women who allow gracious kind words to flow from your heart and pour out on others. I didn't know at the time how much I needed you to lift me up but you did it. I pray that I get the opportunity to return those kind words, I pray God will send me on the day you need rising up.
So we are 20 weeks and this Friday we find out the gender! Praise the Lord we are half way there. This also means we are a few weeks closer to determining if I will have the same outcomes during this pregnancy that I had with Hudson. HELLP can present as early as 25-28 weeks. We are asking for prayers that we will miss this mark and keep going strong as long as possible.
Monday, March 9, 2015
15 Weeks
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
When we moved here we were very clear that God had a plan for us. We didn't know the details but believed this verse was true. That he would bring us here and that it would give us hope and a future. My first meeting with Dr. Easterling last about four hours. We discussed all of my medical history, then we talked about all the possible outcomes, finally we discussed my fears and his plans. I was mostly concerned that we would choose to have another baby and Gods true desire for us was to adopt. This was where my heart had been all year. I had prayed that my visit with this doctor would give our family clarity. At the end of the appointment I asked what I should do and Dr. Easterling said I can tell the desire of your heart is to have another baby so go have another baby. He said I will worry about the medical stuff and you go figure out what life will be like with a second baby. It wasn't clear and it wasn't loud but I knew that God intended for me to bear another child.
My walk with God has always been about faith. I'm a planner and while God has a road map for my life he hasn't handed me the full size version. I don't know the path until I am right on it. On more than one occasion he has forced me to sustain my well being on faith alone. He was the only one I could look to. He would send help along the way but blind faith was the only way.
I walked into the pregnancy not knowing the outcome. I might have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and I might not. However, I believe that God sends us our children. He will create the baby, he will prepare my body, and no matter the outcomes we will sustain ourselves on hope. We trust that God will give us a future and that he will prosper us. This doesn't mean a perfect baby or a perfect birth. Those are the short term goals. I'm talking a year from now when I look back at this year I know I will be able to say God took care of us and we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
So about this sweet little baby. We are fifteen weeks along! I felt the nugget move for the first time this week. I might be biased but I can already tell its just gonna be the cutest little thing. It was sucking its hand in the first ultrasound! It was also all over the place flipping and wiggling. I am amazed by how connected I already feel! I have been pretty sick since the beginning. Almost full time nausea and some pretty rough headaches. The tiredness was a welcomed symptom. Sleeping was when I felt my best. I have been about half the Mom I used to be. I would love to say I am getting better but it seems that the symptoms have just changed. I have more heartburn now and more serious headaches. I wish I were a pregnancy unicorn but instead I am the person with every symptom they list. At least I know that I will forget most of this once I see this babies precious little face. Here's looking forward to that!
When we moved here we were very clear that God had a plan for us. We didn't know the details but believed this verse was true. That he would bring us here and that it would give us hope and a future. My first meeting with Dr. Easterling last about four hours. We discussed all of my medical history, then we talked about all the possible outcomes, finally we discussed my fears and his plans. I was mostly concerned that we would choose to have another baby and Gods true desire for us was to adopt. This was where my heart had been all year. I had prayed that my visit with this doctor would give our family clarity. At the end of the appointment I asked what I should do and Dr. Easterling said I can tell the desire of your heart is to have another baby so go have another baby. He said I will worry about the medical stuff and you go figure out what life will be like with a second baby. It wasn't clear and it wasn't loud but I knew that God intended for me to bear another child.
My walk with God has always been about faith. I'm a planner and while God has a road map for my life he hasn't handed me the full size version. I don't know the path until I am right on it. On more than one occasion he has forced me to sustain my well being on faith alone. He was the only one I could look to. He would send help along the way but blind faith was the only way.
I walked into the pregnancy not knowing the outcome. I might have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and I might not. However, I believe that God sends us our children. He will create the baby, he will prepare my body, and no matter the outcomes we will sustain ourselves on hope. We trust that God will give us a future and that he will prosper us. This doesn't mean a perfect baby or a perfect birth. Those are the short term goals. I'm talking a year from now when I look back at this year I know I will be able to say God took care of us and we are exactly where we are supposed to be.
So about this sweet little baby. We are fifteen weeks along! I felt the nugget move for the first time this week. I might be biased but I can already tell its just gonna be the cutest little thing. It was sucking its hand in the first ultrasound! It was also all over the place flipping and wiggling. I am amazed by how connected I already feel! I have been pretty sick since the beginning. Almost full time nausea and some pretty rough headaches. The tiredness was a welcomed symptom. Sleeping was when I felt my best. I have been about half the Mom I used to be. I would love to say I am getting better but it seems that the symptoms have just changed. I have more heartburn now and more serious headaches. I wish I were a pregnancy unicorn but instead I am the person with every symptom they list. At least I know that I will forget most of this once I see this babies precious little face. Here's looking forward to that!
Friday, February 27, 2015
The move and the doctor
Last year was crazy. That's the only way to explain it.
There is so much I could say about last year but I really just have to sum it up. In the spring Alex was offered a job in Seattle, WA and I was seeking a job in Bigelow, AR. I was hoping to land my first teaching job and Alex was landing a dream job. The only problem was one would have us moving across the country. With all our family being less than an hour away this decision was beyond our comprehension. It was breaking our hearts. We kept the struggle secret for awhile. Mostly just talking with each other and going through serious bible study and prayer. I wish I could pin point the exact moment that we realized what we had to do but I can't. All I remember is being in my car and crying out to God. I confessed our weakness in the area and asked for him to intervene. I asked that he close the doors as they needed to be closed. I asked that he slam them shut so hard that we had no question about the decision. I began praying that we would find comfort in either direction. I knew that if I didn't get the job I would be devastated and that he would be concerned about his future if the door closed for him. It was a rough few months for us. We were diligent in our prayers and waited patiently for God to move.
His moves in the beginning were so small I didn't really notice. Each week something would happen at my internship that knocked the dream down a bit. Towards the end I had trouble seeing myself as a teacher there but I still held on to my original goal. I could feel the pendulum slowly creeping towards Seattle. Every week I uncovered a few things about it that would make me think moving there would be a "total God thing". It's a funny thing when you know God is pointing you in a direction and your still surprised when he finally makes it clear. I wish I could learn to be quiet and listen to the little nudges not just the giant push. My internship was ending and the interview process began. I was so confident during this time. I had given everything to God. Call me weak but honestly it was all more than I could handle. I had to give it up. So I went to my interviews and I left them all feeling good. Alex had finished his interview type stuff a month ago and was fairly certain he would get the offer. The question became what would the offer be and could we accept it.
So this was it! The waiting game. A few weeks had gone by since my interview and a month or so for Alex. The day the decision came was very normal. I had a dentist appointment in Maumelle and was driving back through 365. I could take you to the exact spot on the road where I answered the phone. Alex called and told me he got his offer and it was one to accept. I could feel the holy spirit moving over me and I began to weep. I knew that God had answered my prayers. While we were on the phone a call came in from the school. I didn't even have to answer it to know that I didn't get the job. I was crying, dancing, and praising in my car. I have never had a moment where God was just so clear with me. It was undeniable. I couldn't make up any excuses not to go. I was being told to go.
It was time to get brave and to get bold. I was moving my sweet little family far away from our comfort zone. I started the packing and planning. It was all happening very fast and I had to be in super mom mode. I was also struggling with the pain of leaving my family and our life. We loved our home, our church, and our community. It was going to be rough. I was reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker around this time. Only a crazy person would be reading something so life changing while doing something so life changing. While Gods transparency gave me confidence I was still struggling to be brave. I found this quote in the book and I felt like it was perfect for our time. “I don’t want my kids safe and comfortable. I want them BRAVE. I don’t want to teach them to see danger under every rock, avoiding anything hard or not guaranteed or risky. They are going to encounter a very broken world soon, and if they aren’t prepared to wade into difficult territory and contend for the kingdom against obstacles and tragedies and hardships, they are going to be terrible disciples. I don’t want to be the reason my kids choose safety over courage. I hope I never hear them say, “Mom will freak out,” or “My parents will never agree to this.” May my fear not bind their purpose here. Scared moms raise scared kids. Brave moms raise brave kids. Real disciples raise real disciples.” I knew I wanted my son to be brave. I wanted him to only fear one thing in this world. I knew that we had to be strong. We had to make this move even when it hurt. I knew that God had been so clear with me and that I had to follow his plan.
We have been in Seattle for six months now. We actually live in Kirkland right near Lake Washington. Its wonderful. We have amazing neighbors, and have reunited with family that lives in town. Our house is modest but our back yard is incredible. We travel back home as often as we can but we have really worked hard to make this our home. We are slowly building our little community. I was thinking last night we don't really have enough 2 am friends but we are getting there.
I don't know 100% why God brought us here but I know apart of it was to have another child. In the spring last year I visited my baby doctor in Little Rock. I had somehow convinced myself prior to the appointment that she would be like woo hoo another baby. I knew however the facts about my prior pregnancy and that this was a big ask. With the preeclampsia my risk of re-occurrence is 20% but could vary from 5%-80% based on severity. Its about the same with HELLP. Only my doctor in Little Rock explained that typically if you do get it in your second pregnancy that it would develop earlier than it did in the first pregnancy. She was clear with me about two things. One I may not get it and two I might. She said there would be no way to know until it started and that at least this time we would be prepared. She basically said it would be up to me and Alex to decide if it was something we wanted to do again. I was left with very little hope.
About a month before we moved here I was exploring the Preeclampsia website. I uncovered Dr. Thomas Easterling at the University of Washington. Let me just share the bio I read.
"Dr.Tom Easterling received his MD from University of North Carolina Medical School. He is a national expert in the field of hypertension in pregnancy. A professor at the University of Washington Medical School joining the staff in 1985, Easterling has received numerous awards including: the Young Investigator's Award of the International Society for the Study of Hypertension in Pregnancy, the Society Award for the Society of Perinatal Obstetricians for research on the hemodynamics of preeclampsia, and was honored by the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology for conducting one of the four most significant studies of 1999 regarding early antihypertensive treatment to prevent preeclampsia. He and his team at the University of Washington are members of the NIH-sponsored Obstetrical Pharmacological Research Unit network investigating the use of medications in pregnancy. Easterling continues an active clinical and research practice at the University of Washington and is a co-founder of the Preeclampsia Foundation."
I found his clinic and called to make an appointment. They were so confused as to why I didn't have an address in Washington yet I wanted an appointment. They informed me early on that they would need me to send all my medical records to their office and a medical review board would determine if I would qualify to be his patient. Well let me tell you I got my records together as fast as I could and sent them to his office. I was on my toes for the next day or so waiting for the call. When they finally did call all she said was when would you like to make your appointment! I made it three weeks into our move! I was so excited to meet this person who so diligently studied preeclampsia. I couldn't wait to talk with him about my experience and learn more about it. I knew in the end he might discourage me from another pregnancy but I knew that after our meeting I would feel confident in making a decision.
Stories of Courage
"As a leading cause of maternal illness and death, preeclampsia affects as many as 1 in 12 pregnancies, or more than 6 million births annually. Preeclampsia is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and protein in the urine, and can be deadly to mother and baby. If untreated, preeclampsia can escalate to eclampsia, causing seizures. Worldwide, nearly two hundred women every day – more than 60,000 women a year – die from eclampsia alone, and preeclampsia is the leading known cause of prematurity."-
Foundation Co-Founder
There is so much I could say about last year but I really just have to sum it up. In the spring Alex was offered a job in Seattle, WA and I was seeking a job in Bigelow, AR. I was hoping to land my first teaching job and Alex was landing a dream job. The only problem was one would have us moving across the country. With all our family being less than an hour away this decision was beyond our comprehension. It was breaking our hearts. We kept the struggle secret for awhile. Mostly just talking with each other and going through serious bible study and prayer. I wish I could pin point the exact moment that we realized what we had to do but I can't. All I remember is being in my car and crying out to God. I confessed our weakness in the area and asked for him to intervene. I asked that he close the doors as they needed to be closed. I asked that he slam them shut so hard that we had no question about the decision. I began praying that we would find comfort in either direction. I knew that if I didn't get the job I would be devastated and that he would be concerned about his future if the door closed for him. It was a rough few months for us. We were diligent in our prayers and waited patiently for God to move.
His moves in the beginning were so small I didn't really notice. Each week something would happen at my internship that knocked the dream down a bit. Towards the end I had trouble seeing myself as a teacher there but I still held on to my original goal. I could feel the pendulum slowly creeping towards Seattle. Every week I uncovered a few things about it that would make me think moving there would be a "total God thing". It's a funny thing when you know God is pointing you in a direction and your still surprised when he finally makes it clear. I wish I could learn to be quiet and listen to the little nudges not just the giant push. My internship was ending and the interview process began. I was so confident during this time. I had given everything to God. Call me weak but honestly it was all more than I could handle. I had to give it up. So I went to my interviews and I left them all feeling good. Alex had finished his interview type stuff a month ago and was fairly certain he would get the offer. The question became what would the offer be and could we accept it.
So this was it! The waiting game. A few weeks had gone by since my interview and a month or so for Alex. The day the decision came was very normal. I had a dentist appointment in Maumelle and was driving back through 365. I could take you to the exact spot on the road where I answered the phone. Alex called and told me he got his offer and it was one to accept. I could feel the holy spirit moving over me and I began to weep. I knew that God had answered my prayers. While we were on the phone a call came in from the school. I didn't even have to answer it to know that I didn't get the job. I was crying, dancing, and praising in my car. I have never had a moment where God was just so clear with me. It was undeniable. I couldn't make up any excuses not to go. I was being told to go.
It was time to get brave and to get bold. I was moving my sweet little family far away from our comfort zone. I started the packing and planning. It was all happening very fast and I had to be in super mom mode. I was also struggling with the pain of leaving my family and our life. We loved our home, our church, and our community. It was going to be rough. I was reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker around this time. Only a crazy person would be reading something so life changing while doing something so life changing. While Gods transparency gave me confidence I was still struggling to be brave. I found this quote in the book and I felt like it was perfect for our time. “I don’t want my kids safe and comfortable. I want them BRAVE. I don’t want to teach them to see danger under every rock, avoiding anything hard or not guaranteed or risky. They are going to encounter a very broken world soon, and if they aren’t prepared to wade into difficult territory and contend for the kingdom against obstacles and tragedies and hardships, they are going to be terrible disciples. I don’t want to be the reason my kids choose safety over courage. I hope I never hear them say, “Mom will freak out,” or “My parents will never agree to this.” May my fear not bind their purpose here. Scared moms raise scared kids. Brave moms raise brave kids. Real disciples raise real disciples.” I knew I wanted my son to be brave. I wanted him to only fear one thing in this world. I knew that we had to be strong. We had to make this move even when it hurt. I knew that God had been so clear with me and that I had to follow his plan.
We have been in Seattle for six months now. We actually live in Kirkland right near Lake Washington. Its wonderful. We have amazing neighbors, and have reunited with family that lives in town. Our house is modest but our back yard is incredible. We travel back home as often as we can but we have really worked hard to make this our home. We are slowly building our little community. I was thinking last night we don't really have enough 2 am friends but we are getting there.
I don't know 100% why God brought us here but I know apart of it was to have another child. In the spring last year I visited my baby doctor in Little Rock. I had somehow convinced myself prior to the appointment that she would be like woo hoo another baby. I knew however the facts about my prior pregnancy and that this was a big ask. With the preeclampsia my risk of re-occurrence is 20% but could vary from 5%-80% based on severity. Its about the same with HELLP. Only my doctor in Little Rock explained that typically if you do get it in your second pregnancy that it would develop earlier than it did in the first pregnancy. She was clear with me about two things. One I may not get it and two I might. She said there would be no way to know until it started and that at least this time we would be prepared. She basically said it would be up to me and Alex to decide if it was something we wanted to do again. I was left with very little hope.
About a month before we moved here I was exploring the Preeclampsia website. I uncovered Dr. Thomas Easterling at the University of Washington. Let me just share the bio I read.
"Dr.Tom Easterling received his MD from University of North Carolina Medical School. He is a national expert in the field of hypertension in pregnancy. A professor at the University of Washington Medical School joining the staff in 1985, Easterling has received numerous awards including: the Young Investigator's Award of the International Society for the Study of Hypertension in Pregnancy, the Society Award for the Society of Perinatal Obstetricians for research on the hemodynamics of preeclampsia, and was honored by the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology for conducting one of the four most significant studies of 1999 regarding early antihypertensive treatment to prevent preeclampsia. He and his team at the University of Washington are members of the NIH-sponsored Obstetrical Pharmacological Research Unit network investigating the use of medications in pregnancy. Easterling continues an active clinical and research practice at the University of Washington and is a co-founder of the Preeclampsia Foundation."
I found his clinic and called to make an appointment. They were so confused as to why I didn't have an address in Washington yet I wanted an appointment. They informed me early on that they would need me to send all my medical records to their office and a medical review board would determine if I would qualify to be his patient. Well let me tell you I got my records together as fast as I could and sent them to his office. I was on my toes for the next day or so waiting for the call. When they finally did call all she said was when would you like to make your appointment! I made it three weeks into our move! I was so excited to meet this person who so diligently studied preeclampsia. I couldn't wait to talk with him about my experience and learn more about it. I knew in the end he might discourage me from another pregnancy but I knew that after our meeting I would feel confident in making a decision.
Stories of Courage
"As a leading cause of maternal illness and death, preeclampsia affects as many as 1 in 12 pregnancies, or more than 6 million births annually. Preeclampsia is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and protein in the urine, and can be deadly to mother and baby. If untreated, preeclampsia can escalate to eclampsia, causing seizures. Worldwide, nearly two hundred women every day – more than 60,000 women a year – die from eclampsia alone, and preeclampsia is the leading known cause of prematurity."-
Foundation Co-Founder
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