Just Like That

This entire house was dreamed up about 5 years ago. Bits and pieces of the idea were changed a bit over time but for the most part we had this plan. A plan that the boys would have enough space to hit a ball as far as they like! The house wasn't exactly what we pictured but it was everything we needed and more. Now that I sit here with it all finished up I cant help but feel a bit overwhelmed with gratitude and a little emotional that its all done.

We landed our real estate agent when another agent missed our showing. The boys instantly fell in love with her! She hauled them around from house to house and made sure they didn't play with any nails or eat dead bugs. We looked at some really rough homes and she was willing to show them all. She stuck with us through missed chances, lost deals, and oh no lets back outs. She took such careful time with us and wasn't afraid to speak her mind. I know her willingness to find us a home is one of the only reasons we are in this one today. I would recommend her over and over again. We love you Kaci!  Kaci Johnson Realty Mart

Our contractor was also at the first missed showing. We had asked him to give us an idea of what it might cost to get it fixed up. The first house we fell in love with had plywood for walls. It was no longer being supported by its foundation, and had three chicken houses on the 5 acre piece of land. It was a real beauty. He was open to our dream but wasn't afraid to tell us we were a bit crazy. When we called him up for this house he was much more pleased with our choice. This on was still a bit of a crazy choice but he was up for the challenge! Bad piping, out dated heating and air held us back but turns out his biggest obstacle in this house would be time and my decision making! He was great to work with and we can't thank him enough for the finished product! Hansen Brothers Construction
We chose to work with Will for many reason but his heart for missions solidified our decision. A portion of his income goes to his nonprofit that builds homes for refugees in Uganda. We love that through the construction work in our home a family across the globe will achieve their dream home. Carpenter Project

Got to say a big thanks to my Dad. He helped me knock down the first two walls and kick off the entire project. He found the perfect log from my home town and turned it into a mantle that would be the focal point of our home and a wonderful reminder of where I come from. He also built a mud cubby that will help this momma organize the chaos. He helped Alex install our security cameras and did every other little small task I asked of him! He got us started and helped us finish! I know he did it for the boys and I think they showed him this weekend how grateful they were! They brought him every little worm and slug they could find!

So here we are today. This is the work of family, friends, our agent, our contractor, our kids, our own blood sweat and tears, and a lot of Dave Ramsey!

To everyone who listed to me talk about it WAY TOO much, who dealt with my tears or who prayed for us! We appreciate you so much! Thanks for loving us through it! :)

Finally to Chip and Joanna Gaines :) Thanks for the inspiration and making it look easy. You guys are crazy to want to do this all the time! I think once might be good enough for me!

The White Fence Ranch

"The mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9

We have been house shopping for a solid year. Trying to make the best decision for our family all while being budget friendly was more of a challenge than we expected. We looked all over Northwest Arkansas and even considered trying to just find some land in central Arkansas. It wasn't a fun journey. It left us both questioning our decisions and exhausted from the hunt. In January we decided to stop looking. We would just take a few months to rethink things. A few days after we made the decision I get a call from Alex asking if I had seen the house for sale near ours. It was an adorable ranch home on 5 acres. It had every item on our house wish list. Big enough but not to big. Pretty but not so pretty we can't live in it! So I call our agent and she agrees to meet us out there. When we walked in I quickly felt at home. But because of the letdowns we faced the year before I didn't get my hopes up. We fell in love instantly and asked our agent to get our offer in. The 2018 real estate documents were giving her some trouble so it ended up taking us another day to get it in. I'm not gonna lie I was in total panic waiting for this offer to get in. But God had a different plan. While we were working through the issues they dropped the price 25k.  I knew at this point we were covered. 

So we get our new offer ready and get it submitted, its accepted, and just like that we get the ball rolling. All the process and steps that followed were running smoothly and I began getting our house ready to sell. I did the cleaning, the clearing, the staging, and the prep work. We debated over hiring an agent but in the end we decided to just put it on Zillow and see what happens. 10 DAYS later we got an offer and we accepted it. Again I found myself in the comfort of Gods plans.

Its like we are on a roller coaster and the track isn't quite ready and right before we run out another track gets laid and its the perfect bit of twist and turn. So we work through the paper work of closing on the new house, selling our old house, and trying to get a contractor ready for the remodel we are facing. So we begin the fun stuff flooring styles, paint colors, tile shopping, light fixtures, and more! Lots of fun stuff happening but all the while feeling overwhelmed by the task before us. I was trying to pray about the decisions but some days the task before me was daunting. Its like I know its all a blessing and that I should be joyful in the blessing but I would let fears drag me down. Mind you this is all happening in days not weeks or months.

This is when things took another turn. I found an ad on Facebook looking for a family in need of a home renovation. The timeline was when we closed and the budget requirement was ours to the dollar.....WHAT! I applied and just like that we were interviewed and then SELECTED. If you went back a month ago and told me I would be talking to casting and producers for HGTV about creating my dream home I would tell you to check your crazy at the door! A few days into the HGTV process the budget was pushed up and the start date pushed back. We sadly decided to turn down the show.  I'm not gonna lie some big alligator tears were shed over that decision. But in the end the dream was always about the home not being on TV.  So we turned down the show, hired an awesome contractor, and got to work!

I got to do some serious demo work with my Dad to kick off the project. We took out two walls the first day we owned it. We are completely remodeling the bathrooms, adding a window to the master, and creating some sort of pantry/office/mudroom/ laundry room. So far its been an exhausting process but so amazing! Trusting in Gods plan always results in the best plan. Watching my kiddos run across the field brings more joy than I can imagine and I can't wait to see where God takes us next in this journey! 

The Before:

Maybe someday I will write about what this house means to us but for now here is a blurb from our application for the show. 

Since we met our dream has always been to have a piece of land in the Ozarks to call our own. That dream has been harder to get to then we ever imagined. The first house we lived in after we got married was destroyed in a 500-year flood, ruining most of what we owned and forcing us to buy a new home. We loved our new little house. It was such a blessing to us and we planned to stay there happily but when Hudson was born I suffered from preeclampsia/ HELLP syndrome. My doctor in Little Rock told me it was best that he was my only child. My heart wanted more and when we were offered a job in Seattle I was able to get the top preeclampsia specialist in the nation as my doctor. We had to do it! So we left our family, friends, church and our comfort to step out in faith. We were able to have Benson safely in Seattle and soon after he was born our hearts longed to come home. A job opened up in this area and when Benson was just three months old we took it. The move all happened so fast that we picked the first house we could with out a lot of considerations. Benson really is the last baby I will get to carry and so we feel like that chapter is closing and it's time to move forward living out the life we imagined for our family. We know both of our boys were blessings and its our hearts desire for all of us to live as fully as possible, grateful for the life we were given. You should pick us because our story is a bit crazy. We have never felt settled. We have moved 5 times in 7 years. The thought of this house being our forever home is overwhelming and amazing. 

New Grandpa

2017 was grounded in time with my family. We spent countless hours playing, traveling and exploring. It was a year of blessings, countless memories, and loads of joy. But no year comes without its aches, losses, and hurts. We mourned the loss of young and old as well as pouring out prayers for friends and family enduring heart breaks of health, loss, and change. But in the end there was one moment that hallmarked my year.

In 2017 we found my grandfather and then lost my grandfather. All in a few months. My grandmother raised my mom alone and my mom never knew who her father was. There had been hints and speculation but nothing for certain. The man that everyone suggested was never involved but there were signs that he knew and that his family certainly did. I was raised under the impression that this man was her father but that he had passed away before she knew him. We spent time with this family and developed a sweet relationship. I am so grateful for that rumor because it gave me the sweet influence and love from my Aunt Pearl. While my mother believed this as best she could,  there was always a bit of skepticism in the back of her mind. 

That little bit of uncertainty is what I believe drew her to Ancestry.com. She began by researching and trying to find the family connections but it never came together until she did the DNA test. She submitted her kit and it didn't take long. The details came back and process of elimination began. Very quickly that family was ruled out. There as no connection at all. And so she began the process of investigation. Months worth of files, emails, and work led her to one name. It was a name that had never been mentioned before. Being from a very small town it was a name and family we were familiar with but never  heard that he and my grandmother knew each other. When I look back on this I am so proud of my moms work. She was brave and bold in this process. I think when you decide you are going to reach out to someone about possible infidelity or even just promiscuity you have to be committed to the process. So she did it. She reached out to his family and asked them to provide a sample DNA to prove her speculations true. Amazingly, they provided the DNA and we all sat on the edge of our seats waiting for the results. When they finally came back we found the speculation was true. All her hard work and uncomfortable conversations paid off. He was her father. 

It was an exciting and equally terrifying time. What do you do with that information? Do you settle with simply knowing or do you seek out more? And the questions of do you meet him and if so why?  The questions and concerns washed over her and all of us. What would it mean to know him and what would it matter. He had missed out on her life and missed out on ours. But we aren't the type to let it go. We had to meet him but she had to go first. So on a sunny afternoon she drove herself to meet her Dad. When we talked on her way she was a ball of nerves. What if his age didn't allow him to understand? What if he didn't believe her or even worse didn't care? All the what if''s were overwhelming but she was committed and so she followed through. 

As soon as she entered the room his smiled calmed her nerves. He was wonderful. He was kind, funny, and glad to have her. He told her she looked like him. He told her that he never knew about her but that he wished he would have. He was accepting and even proud. She fell instantly. Apparently a host of my mothers wonderful qualities passed on genetically from this sweet man. He was known for smiling and being kind to everyone. He never met a stranger. He was silly and witty. All of these characteristics are the same I would use to describe my mother. The questions of why you would want to meet him became answered. We needed to meet him because as it turns out we were like him. A little bit rebellious but a lot a bit of fun. Mom and I always get caught saying my friend at the Walmart checkout or my friend at sonic or my friend that works at the nail salon. As instantly was we make a good person our friend is as quickly as he made us his family. 

My brother and I went to meet him. Because of his age and health I decided to take my boys to meet him too. It was a great visit. It will forever be etched in my mind as the day I met my grandpa. Not my moms biological father but my grandpa. He was quick to love us and that filled the gap of a lifetime without him. That one day would provide enough warmth to sustain never meeting with him again. 

In the following weeks he passed away. My mother was included in the service and we were able to meet all the family. He lays in the same cemetery as my grandmother. Its a crazy experience, finding your family. We are his lineage. His ears, his smile, his laugh, the good and the bad. We belong. 

Looking into this year its hard to imagine anything can top that feeling but you never know what life will bring or when it will bring it! 

Home is our sanctuary

Over this Christmas break I found myself reading. I'm sure it irritated my husband and children but sometimes I just need to have my nose stuck in a book. I started with "He will be my ruin" a murder mystery and thriller type. I was done with it in a day, I just couldn't wait for the ending! Then I moved onto a little self help. First as Present over Perfect followed by The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. The were a little deeper spiritually. In fact looking back they were perfect choices for the New Year. Even if I didn't plan it. I also managed to fit in an equally good new years documentary, Minimalism. Truth is I have been on this get rid of things kick for awhile. Moving to Seattle with two small pods will do that to you. But really it has been about more than that. Its about not coveting things of this world. Not spending my money on useless and joyless items. Also not owning items that make me disconnected from the average person of this world. Now I felt someone proud of the job we had done. We had quit with name brand for the most part or at least didn't purchase it because of its brand. I slowed down on retail therapy and really thought twice about the purchase. We have never had cable but we got rid of Hulu and tried to simplify our television intake. Overall we have been on this journey to minimize. However I realized over the break we are far from there. We are also maybe not fully understanding the mindset of removing the stuff to be more present in the world.  I was moved so deeply by the words in the tidy book. She suggested to thank your home for all it does for you. I thought about how I have treated this home. First, I hated it because it was too new, it has no character, and its too big. Then, I spent time searching for a different house that would ultimately make me happier. Then right in the middle of this book it was like God just tapped me on the shoulder and said "hey britt- this .is shelter, your shelter" I realized for the first time that my home was Gods provision on my life for shelter. Not my paradise, not my pride, not my item to covet or hate. It is my shelter and it is a sanctuary from the storm of life. I realized in that moment that so many in this world would be mind blown if they had this shelter and the freedom that we so often take for granted. So I thanked my home and I thanked God. My home for being so good to me and giving me such wonderful shelter and God for giving me this beautiful place for my children to grow and be happy. I know my road to present, tidy, minimized joy might be a long one but the joys and insights each day make it so worth it.

Minimalism 
Life Changing Magic of Tidying
Present Over Perfect
He Will Be My Ruin

Love, Seattle, Arkansas, and April

Five years ago I embarked on one crazy journey! 2010 I married my favorite man of all time. He is my sanity, my adventure, my love, and my life. 2011 we lived in a precious little lake house in Conway. That precious little lake then flooded our little house and everything in it. So we spent a few months stranded and then we bought our first house! 2012 was pretty normal, possibly even boring, well right up until I got pregnant and began puking every 20 min! 2013 our sweet baby boy joined the world. We found out I am not so good at pregnancy and learned what it was like to parent a preemie. 2014 would have been a normal calm year but then we decided to move to Seattle and get pregnant again. 2015 we rediscovered I'm not so good at pregnancy, we had our new baby boy, learned about life with two kids, and then decided to move back to Arkansas. 5 years of adventures. 5 years of hardships and five years of overcoming. 5 years of salvation, 5 years of grace, 5 years of learning and love. I can't imagine anyone else in the world that would love this roller coaster as much as I do!

I am beyond excited about our next adventure. Arkansas is in our blood. I guess its hard to describe unless you are from there. Statistically it is literally the worst in everything. They say our schools are failing, we are all obese, and poor to boot. Not to mention our dang football team! They keep telling us this but we just turn the music up a little louder. Oh how my heart beats for my home state. Ask any of us ,we will talk about it like its the next best thing to the pearly gates. I know a big part of that is the people but I tell you when I'm away from Arkansas the moment the plane lands in Little Rock I want to go make angels in the grass. It is my first true love and coming home is easy.

And then again its not.

Seattle will now and forever be so special to me. I'm starting the water works just thinking about it. Before we came here we were very specific with our prayers. We prayed for good neighbors,we prayed for friends, we prayed for a baby, we prayed for happiness and adventure. When I think about our time here all I can say is our GOD is SO BIG!

Oh our neighbors! We have the best neighbors in the entire world. I'm not even kidding if you think yours are better call me and I'll tell you about the girl scout cookie cake and then I will tell you I win! From the day we moved in we have had the best times in our backyard. Every afternoon has been spent with the kids. Seven at one house, two at the other, and one more just beside us. We had enough kids to play real baseball and football games. We made boo boos all better, we made bad days turn good, and we conquered the world one feisty political convo at a time. In turn I found one of my best friends. April was there for me when I didn't even know I needed her. We were two peas in a pod from the get go. She made sure we were taken care of and went the extra steps to show our family we were cared for too. She has loved my babies like they are her own and leaving her and the kiddos has made leaving Seattle far harder than I could have imagined. Its not every day you meet some one who is as exceptional as she is. I wish I had half of her joy and strength. She is a one woman crew! She manages her house and then makes time to come over and help me manage mine. I prayed for a friend and God went above and beyond with her. When I was homesick she made it better. When I was afraid to get around the city she pushed me out the door. I can't imagine how different this experience would have been without her. She made me happy and she made me strong. I pray no matter where I am in this world I have April on speed dial and someone just like here near by.

Our baby! I mean of all the places in the world we get moved to where there is a doctor who not only specializes in Preeclampsia/HELLP but also founded the foundation for researching it. Only God can make things like this happen. So we had a baby and he is perfect. He is big and I am fine. Seattle made our family complete. That's something I'm not sure we could have done or would have done anywhere else.

We have had the absolute best adventure here. We spent every weekend here exploring this area. From the Canadian border to the Oregon coast. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I am so grateful for our time here and all it has given us. I love you Seattle. I adore your strange people, your tall trees, and your peek a boo mountain. I hope my visits here happen as often as possible.

But its time to go home. We miss my grandparents and the boys miss theirs too. I miss my MOMMY, I mean I miss her so much. But don't think the adventure stops here! Our motto for next year is "See Arkansas First". I can't wait to explore my home state. I also can't wait to see what and who God brings into our life.

Alex my dear I'm grateful we don't know whats in store for us next. Living life a little on the crazy side has always been our thing and I fear it always will be! I absolutely love doing life with you and I know you are the only person crazy enough to enjoy it as much as I do! Cheers to our next big adventure!!

The big arrival!

Such is the story of my life.. I give control to God and he does things bigger and better than I could have planned! I posted about finishing my race and doing it without complaint. I couldn't have known that my race was almost over. Okay lets be honest, now that I am on the other side of it, this race has just begun and has added hurdles. 

* warning: this is a long one, grab your coffee now :)

My mom flew into Seattle August 4th and planned to stay until the baby arrived. If he arrived early she would depart on the 21st of August. I have to be honest the moment her plane landed I was ready. I wanted her to be around to help with the baby as long as possible. I only made it to 34 weeks in my first pregnancy so this time by 37 weeks I was ready to have a baby! Alex disagreed. He wanted me to make it to term and not have an early planned cesarean. Now don't get me wrong I did not plan to have an early c section. My plan was to spontaneously go into labor and have a vbac. If I never went into labor my doctor would schedule a cesarean at 39 weeks as it would be too risky for me to go beyond that day. (If you are curious about my riskiness see earlier posts) I woke every morning praying for labor to happen! I couldn't wait to have a contraction, crazy I know. I didn't care so much about the experience of labor I think babies coming into this world is an experience no matter the entrance...or exit as it may be. I just wanted to have the recovery of a vaginal birth. At this point I was visiting the doctor weekly. We did a weekly NST as well. The baby was always great and my TOCO was always flat (this means labor was no where in sight). We checked my cervix at the appointment before and I was closed shut and locked. Even with all that I was still hopeful my water would just magically break the next day and that I would shoot into labor.

Monday, August 10th, I went into L&D around 10 pm. I would like to say that I went because my water broke but that is just not what happened. I had been instructed to check my BP once or twice a day. I checked it that evening and it was around 147/110. I called L&D and they informed me I was over my limit and had to come in. Upon arrival my BP remained high. They checked me in, discussed delivery options and began running tests. Everything came back normal and somewhere in the middle of the night my bp went back to normal as well. My protein was elevated but not enough to diagnose me as preeclamptic. I was sent home with a giant jug to do my very own 12 hour urine sample (nothing more lovely than storing urine in your fridge all day). I had to go in that evening to turn in my sample and discuss the next steps with my doctor. Thankfully my protein came back as normal and so we went back to the normal plan. If I go into labor great if not I would be scheduled. In the mean time I needed to keep checking the bp at home. I was also placed on blood pressure medicine to keep it nice and low.

Wednesday August 12th, I had felt a little off all day. Mom and I had ran some errands around town. It was a good day but I kept feeling like my vision was off, enough so I made her drive. (my mother driving in Seattle could have an entire post of its own) I also had a nagging headache but it was cooler that day so I just decided it was sinus pressure. That afternoon I took a nap in hopes of feeling better but when I woke up I felt worse. My mom even noticed that I looked like I felt...not good. So I took my bp and instantly knew it was game on! My bp was around 153/110. This normally would be high but not terrible. But remember I'm on blood pressure medicine, I shouldn't be having anything over 120/80. I knew this was it. The moment I had prayed wouldn't happen but had planned for either way. I was going to develop preeclampsia again. We got to the hospital as quick as possible and I was right. I had elevated bp and proteins. Thankfully my platelets and liver were doing just fine, that means no HELLP...PRAISE THE LORD!!

So the same doctor who came to me about a vbac two days before came back with the news I expected. I was already risky for a vbac but an induced vbac just seemed to create more risk than I was willing to take. So a cesarean it would be.  The moment we all agreed the wheels began to turn. 

Alex and I were dressed and prepped! Things were so different this time, while we were having a rushed cesarean we were not at the emergency point so we really got to have the birth experience. He called for mom and brother while I went back for anesthesia. Alex came back into the room as they got me settled onto the bed. The entire staff was professional and so reassuring for me. They set up my bed to where I would be able to see the baby as soon as he was out. My surgery went well. I unfortunately had quite a bit of scar tissue so things went a little longer than expected. I also got sick this time, that was an experience, but the anesthesiologist made it seem like a drop in the bucket. The best part of this entire experience was that I could feel that baby kicking right up until his exit. I think he was excited to see me! They announced that he would be arriving shortly and then we heard the scream. I said he didn't scream fast enough and Alex informed me it was maybe 2 seconds (felt like 20 min). They took him to his table wiped him down, did all the prep work and brought him straight to my chest. My little boy was nursing before I knew it and I was crying like a baby! It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life! He stayed with me the rest of the evening and we began our life as a family of four. God is just so good.

In the end my race was clear. I would get sick again but God would walk me through it just like he had before. I ran my race with a faithful heart, putting all my trust in him. God was with us the entire time and we know he poured his grace into my pregnancy and delivery. I can never be thankful enough for all he has done for me.

I never in my life imagined I would be a preeclampsia/HELLP survivor but I am. I feel like one responsibility of mine is to keep others informed! If you are expecting or know someone who is make sure they know and understand the disease. Nothing to be afraid of or worried about but best to be educated just in case. http://www.preeclampsia.org/health-information/sign-symptoms

The Finish Line

My bible study this AM could not have been more spot on.

"Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1b

Holy smokes I am almost 38 weeks pregnant. I can't believe even as I am living it. I would have never imagined making it this far into a pregnancy. Now I am looking at the finish line going when, when will I stop being pregnant. It almost feels like I have an eternity left when in reality its just a few weeks. I am struggling with my emotions at this point. First, I am so incredibly grateful for this baby and Gods grace over this pregnancy. I'm going to have a big baby this time. I'm going to have a baby who can breath on his own, eat on his own, and hopefully stay out of a baby box for more than a few minutes. I'm not sure I even know what to do with a full term baby but I am so ready to find out. Second, I am so terribly over it! I am grateful for the past 38 weeks but I have never been this pregnant before! Here at the end its like okay lets just get this baby out of here. I know I should want him to stay in until fully cooked but I know he could be out in my arms right now. I feel guilty even as I type it! I can't believe I am that girl. The girl who is walking miles daily and trying all the old wives tales for labor! I have found that even in my own life no two pregnancies are the same. When we comment on another woman's experience and emotions we are fools. First pregnancy me would have second pregnancy me. She would tell her to quit complaining and just be happy to be this far. But I'm not in the first any more and so complaining is a new part of my day. I am too large for my clothes, my shoes don't fit, I can't clean house, and I feel utterly worthless.

However, God was so faithful every day to send me reminders in his word. So today let me run my race with endurance. I do not get to pick the finish line. I am going to run as hard and happy as I can until he gets me to the end. Wishing for it everyday will not help. He knows the very best date and time and I have to depend on his timing for my best results. So I will wake up with this as my mantra. I will put on my "running gear" everyday and give each day my all. I will practice endurance daily and complain less. This is the race I prayed for, the race I worked for, and now he is going to give me the greatest reward.

I hope soon to be telling you about my sweet baby but I still have weeks to go! Whatever your race is focus on the finish and don't sweat the hills and curves.

PEACE

John 14:27- "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

I have been thinking a lot lately about how God sets us apart. Not in the chosen people kind of way but rather that he has made us so inherently different after salvation that those who do not believe have no capability to understand some of our ways. Its been buzzing around in my mind for a few weeks but I felt this mornings quiet time gave me a small example of such things.

He says he does not give to us as the world gives us. So I looked up the definition of peace. It is freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, or obsession. So I thought of these things as what the world offers being annoyed in traffic, distracted by our phones, anxious about money, or obsessed with gaining worldly goals. Then I realized God gives this peace his peace that should free our minds from the things that tie it up. These worldly things bind us and keep us from reaching this peace. Some people will never understand that meaning of true peace. They may never understand why we can say we will pray for you and walk away. Its this belief in God followed by the peace he gives us. I love the reminder at the end do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Sometimes we are so good at this. We can say a prayer for a friend and we no longer worry about what is troubling them, we say a prayer as we hit the 5th round of turbulence on a long flight and we are no longer afraid. So why then are we still caught up with so much trouble and fear.

I took this verse as a reminder to PRAY about everything. When we pray to God we let go of the fear which opens our hearts up to receiving the peace he offers. Its such a simple solution to happiness that we often look over.

Growing a human gives you a thousand reasons to be annoyed, distracted, anxious, or obsessed. It allows your heart to worry and for fear to take over. With each day that passes I find myself more concerned that I will get sick again. Then I imagine myself making it to 40 weeks and having a big chunky baby! My mind is running wild with ideas. Not to mention the hormones making all of this even more crazy! However I have found that every time I stop and pray I free my mind up a little more and give God room to give me peace. No matter the outcome I want to walk away from it being free from fear and abundant with peace.

29 Weeks and Counting

I will Rise

Proverbs 27:17, "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (ESV)

I just got back from a wonderful visit to Arkansas. Coming home is always a bit of a challenge. It is doubled when you are traveling with your wild two year old and your blossoming baby bump. You have to plan for car seats, a car, where you will stay, packing, what you will eat, and so on. Its funny because you feel at home but really you have no home, no car, no stuff. We stayed for 13 days and that was only because of the grace poured out by my mother. She sacrificed her comforts to give us two weeks of our own comforts. The trip will be the last time I visit Arkansas until our baby is born. My doctor has given me strict no fly orders after 25 weeks. The trip was intended to give us a quick visit with most of our family and some of our friends. But God always has other plans. This trip turned out to be a growing experience for my heart and mind. 

On the flight down I read the book Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. The book has many underlying themes but the biggest is being brave and forging through because you have to. You have to do things sometimes just to make you stronger. I loved that she was alone. She actually set herself up to be alone as often as possible. How funny is that. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking phone a friend girl and get out of there. I came into the trip ready to forge my own path and get what I needed out of the trip. Not for the sake of others but just for myself. Now I am sure that sounds selfish but it wasn't intentional. I had a lot of people to see and very little time. Combine that with very little energy to do it all. I will admit that I didn't actually pray for people to accommodate me but it was like God sent little angels along my way. The first day I had two families stop by my mothers house. They were people I wanted to see but wasn't sure how to fit it in. Their dropping in was perfect. It continued with friends driving in from more than two hours away. I couldn't have been more grateful for their visits. One because it ensured I got to see them and love on them. Also, because it meant I didn't have to drive to make it happen. The sacrifice they made is worth more to me than I can explain. 

As the week progressed I tried to double up my visits as much as possible. Seeing as many people as I could along the way. At the same time when I found no one was available I was just as grateful. When we are in Seattle we don't have the same support system we do in Arkansas. I can't call my mom to come by and help whenever I need her to. So I took advantage of my quiet days. I appreciated that I didn't have any laundry to do, no dinner to prepare, and no house to clean. I just played babysitter with Hudson. We laid up on the couch watching cartoons, we sat outside blowing bubbles for hours and best of all I had no guilt. I didn't feel like I needed to do anything with my time but enjoy my boy. I put my pregnant feet up and enjoyed being pregnant. I finally got over all the nausea and was just happy to be enjoying the little movements of our little nugget. 

So now to the verse, iron sharpens iron. I didn't know going into this trip how much I needed to be lifted up. The months of sickness had wore me down. I was tired and self loathing. I didn't feel confident in my pregnancy or my mothering skills. I had spent so much time being sick I had forgotten how to just feel good. That's when God stepped in and sent others to sharpen me. Visit after visit I kept hearing gracious words. You look great, you are so strong, you are brave, you are beautiful. After about the third or fourth time I started believing it. I found it easier to get around in the mornings. I wanted to get dressed and go out. I was ready to conquer the rest of this pregnancy and be the best mommy I could be. I found myself being brave not because of myself but because you told me I was. I was reminded of how important gracious words can be when they flow from a loving heart. My sweet sisters in Christ have lifted me up. I kept singing Shawn McDonald's verses I will rise out of these ashes, rise, from this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground, I will rise, Cause he who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise.  

So today I say THANK YOU! Thank you to women who allow gracious kind words to flow from your heart and pour out on others. I didn't know at the time how much I needed you to lift me up but you did it. I pray that I get the opportunity to return those kind words, I pray God will send me on the day you need rising up. 


So we are 20 weeks and this Friday we find out the gender! Praise the Lord we are half way there. This also means we are a few weeks closer to determining if I will have the same outcomes during this pregnancy that I had with Hudson. HELLP can present as early as 25-28 weeks. We are asking for prayers that we will miss this mark and keep going strong as long as possible. 

15 Weeks

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

When we moved here we were very clear that God had a plan for us. We didn't know the details but believed this verse was true. That he would bring us here and that it would give us hope and a future. My first meeting with Dr. Easterling last about four hours. We discussed all of my medical history, then we talked about all the possible outcomes, finally we discussed my fears and his plans. I was mostly concerned that we would choose to have another baby and Gods true desire for us was to adopt. This was where my heart had been all year. I had prayed that my visit with this doctor would give our family clarity. At the end of the appointment I asked what I should do and Dr. Easterling said I can tell the desire of your heart is to have another baby so go have another baby. He said I will worry about the medical stuff and you go figure out what life will be like with a second baby. It wasn't clear and it wasn't loud but I knew that God intended for me to bear another child.

My walk with God has always been about faith. I'm a planner and while God has a road map for my life he hasn't handed me the full size version. I don't know the path until I am right on it. On more than one occasion he has forced me to sustain my well being on faith alone. He was the only one I could look to. He would send help along the way but blind faith was the only way.

I walked into the pregnancy not knowing the outcome. I might have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and I might not. However, I believe that God sends us our children. He will create the baby, he will prepare my body, and no matter the outcomes we will sustain ourselves on hope. We trust that God will give us a future and that he will prosper us. This doesn't mean a perfect baby or a perfect birth. Those are the short term goals. I'm talking a year from now when I look back at this year I know I will be able to say God took care of us and we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

So about this sweet little baby. We are fifteen weeks along! I felt the nugget move for the first time this week. I might be biased but I can already tell its just gonna be the cutest little thing. It was sucking its hand in the first ultrasound! It was also all over the place flipping and wiggling. I am amazed by how connected I already feel! I have been pretty sick since the beginning. Almost full time nausea and some pretty rough headaches. The tiredness was a welcomed symptom. Sleeping was when I felt my best. I have been about half the Mom I used to be. I would love to say I am getting better but it seems that the symptoms have just changed. I have more heartburn now and more serious headaches. I wish I were a pregnancy unicorn but instead I am the person with every symptom they list. At least I know that I will forget most of this once I see this babies precious little face. Here's looking forward to that!

The move and the doctor

Last year was crazy. That's the only way to explain it.

There is so much I could say about last year but I really just have to sum it up. In the spring Alex was offered a job in Seattle, WA and I was seeking a job in Bigelow, AR. I was hoping to land my first teaching job and Alex was landing a dream job. The only problem was one would have us moving across the country. With all our family being less than an hour away this decision was beyond our comprehension. It was breaking our hearts. We kept the struggle secret for awhile. Mostly just talking with each other and going through serious bible study and prayer. I wish I could pin point the exact moment that we realized what we had to do but I can't. All I remember is being in my car and crying out to God. I confessed our weakness in the area and asked for him to intervene. I asked that he close the doors as they needed to be closed. I asked that he slam them shut so hard that we had no question about the decision. I began praying that we would find comfort in either direction. I knew that if I didn't get the job I would be devastated and that he would be concerned about his future if the door closed for him. It was a rough few months for us. We were diligent in our prayers and waited patiently for God to move.

His moves in the beginning were so small I didn't really notice. Each week something would happen at my internship that knocked the dream down a bit. Towards the end I had trouble seeing myself as a teacher there but I still held on to my original goal. I could feel the pendulum slowly creeping towards Seattle. Every week I uncovered a few things about it that would make me think moving there would be a "total God thing". It's a funny thing when you know God is pointing you in a direction and your still surprised when he finally makes it clear. I wish I could learn to be quiet and listen to the little nudges not just the giant push. My internship was ending and the interview process began. I was so confident during this time. I had given everything to God. Call me weak but honestly it was all more than I could handle. I had to give it up. So I went to my interviews and I left them all feeling good. Alex had finished his interview type stuff a month ago and was fairly certain he would get the offer. The question became what would the offer be and could we accept it.

So this was it! The waiting game. A few weeks had gone by since my interview and a month or so for Alex. The day the decision came was very normal. I had a dentist appointment in Maumelle and was driving back through 365. I could take you to the exact spot on the road where I answered the phone. Alex called and told me he got his offer and it was one to accept. I could feel the holy spirit moving over me and I began to weep. I knew that God had answered my prayers. While we were on the phone a call came in from the school. I didn't even have to answer it to know that I didn't get the job. I was crying, dancing, and praising in my car. I have never had a moment where God was just so clear with me. It was undeniable. I couldn't make up any excuses not to go. I was being told to go.

It was time to get brave and to get bold. I was moving my sweet little family far away from our comfort zone. I started the packing and planning. It was all happening very fast and I had to be in super mom mode. I was also struggling with the pain of leaving my family and our life. We loved our home, our church, and our community. It was going to be rough. I was reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker around this time. Only a crazy person would be reading something so life changing while doing something so life changing. While Gods transparency gave me confidence I was still struggling to be brave. I found this quote in the book and I felt like it was perfect for our time. “I don’t want my kids safe and comfortable. I want them BRAVE. I don’t want to teach them to see danger under every rock, avoiding anything hard or not guaranteed or risky. They are going to encounter a very broken world soon, and if they aren’t prepared to wade into difficult territory and contend for the kingdom against obstacles and tragedies and hardships, they are going to be terrible disciples. I don’t want to be the reason my kids choose safety over courage. I hope I never hear them say, “Mom will freak out,” or “My parents will never agree to this.” May my fear not bind their purpose here. Scared moms raise scared kids. Brave moms raise brave kids. Real disciples raise real disciples.”  I knew I wanted my son to be brave. I wanted him to only fear one thing in this world. I knew that we had to be strong. We had to make this move even when it hurt. I knew that God had been so clear with me and that I had to follow his plan.

We have been in Seattle for six months now. We actually live in Kirkland right near Lake Washington. Its wonderful. We have amazing neighbors, and have reunited with family that lives in town. Our house is modest but our back yard is incredible. We travel back home as often as we can but we have really worked hard to make this our home. We are slowly building our little community. I was thinking last night we don't really have enough 2 am friends but we are getting there.

I don't know 100% why God brought us here but I know apart of it was to have another child. In the spring last year I visited my baby doctor in Little Rock. I had somehow convinced myself prior to the appointment that she would be like woo hoo another baby. I knew however the facts about my prior pregnancy and that this was a big ask. With the preeclampsia my risk of re-occurrence is 20% but could vary from 5%-80% based on severity. Its about the same with HELLP. Only my doctor in Little Rock explained that typically if you do get it in your second pregnancy that it would develop earlier than it did in the first pregnancy. She was clear with me about two things. One I may not get it and two I might. She said there would be no  way to know until it started and that at least this time we would be prepared. She basically said it would be up to me and Alex to decide if it was something we wanted to do again. I was left with very little hope. 

About a month before we moved here I was exploring the Preeclampsia website. I uncovered Dr. Thomas Easterling at the University of Washington. Let me just share the bio I read.

 "Dr.Tom Easterling received his MD from University of North Carolina Medical School. He is a national expert in the field of hypertension in pregnancy. A professor at the University of Washington Medical School joining the staff in 1985, Easterling has received numerous awards including: the Young Investigator's Award of the International Society for the Study of Hypertension in Pregnancy, the Society Award for the Society of Perinatal Obstetricians for research on the hemodynamics of preeclampsia, and was honored by the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology for conducting one of the four most significant studies of 1999 regarding early antihypertensive treatment to prevent preeclampsia. He and his team at the University of Washington are members of the NIH-sponsored Obstetrical Pharmacological Research Unit network investigating the use of medications in pregnancy. Easterling continues an active clinical and research practice at the University of Washington and is a co-founder of the Preeclampsia Foundation." 

I found his clinic and called to make an appointment. They were so confused as to why I didn't have an address in Washington yet I wanted an appointment. They informed me early on that they would need me to send all my medical records to their office and a medical review board would determine if I would qualify to be his patient. Well let me tell you I got my records together as fast as I could and sent them to his office. I was on my toes for the next day or so waiting for the call. When they finally did call all she said was when would you like to make your appointment! I made it three weeks into our move! I was so excited to meet this person who so diligently studied preeclampsia. I couldn't wait to talk with him about my experience and learn more about it. I knew in the end he might discourage me from another pregnancy but I knew that after our meeting I would feel confident in making a decision.

Stories of Courage
"As a leading cause of maternal illness and death, preeclampsia affects as many as 1 in 12 pregnancies, or more than 6 million births annually. Preeclampsia is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and protein in the urine, and can be deadly to mother and baby. If untreated, preeclampsia can escalate to eclampsia, causing seizures. Worldwide, nearly two hundred women every day – more than 60,000 women a year – die from eclampsia alone, and preeclampsia is the leading known cause of prematurity."-
Foundation Co-Founder

My Birth Story

I can't tell the exact moment I began dreaming about motherhood but I'm guessing it was somewhere around two or three years old. I loved everyone of my baby dolls as if they were real. When I was a babysitter in my teens I loved those kiddos as if they were my own. (still do) When I married Alex I couldn't wait to have a baby of our own. I knew my life calling was to be a mom. It was all I ever wanted to do and its still the greatest passion of my life. When we first got pregnant with Hudson I was elated! I got the books, I started pinning, and I set in motion the plan of the most glorious pregnancy and birth. I have always heard make a plan and watch God laugh but I never fully understood it. Now I prayed diligently every step of the way but I prayed for my dream outcomes. I would love to say I gave it all to God but I think I held a tight control over this birth and somehow believed that my smart choices and planning would equal success. Around week 6 of pregnancy I threw up my breakfast, and then my lunch, and then my dinner. Then I threw up almost every meal I ate after that until around 14 weeks. This might have been all the crow I was eating but my doctor said it was just my wonderful hormones. So my "I'm not putting any medicine into my body" plan went out the window quickly. I was a nausea med junkie. If not for my own well being but so that maybe my little munchkin could have an ounce of nutrients that day. I kept a toothbrush and a small bottle of water with me at all times. I tried ginger chews and sea bands but nothing, NOTHING helped.

Just about the time I decided I couldn't go another minute it quit. I woke up looked down at my baby bump and didn't feel a tinge of sickness but instead I felt love. My years of affection for my sweet Jesus had taught me you can love something you can neither see or touch. I knew that baby was in my belly and I knew that I was in love. With the sickness gone I could really enjoy the excitement of the days ahead. The dreaming and planning went into overload. The nursery, the name, the hospital wreath on the door, the perfect jammies, the photographer, the outfits, and all the other fun stuff. I will say I prayed so much for the health of my baby boy. I knew that God was knitting him together and I prayed over every inch of his little body inside and out. This was by far the best time of my pregnancy and maybe one of the sweeter moments of my life. I adored every kick and movement. I could tell he was going to be active. I also knew he was sweet. Its amazing to me how much you can know about the baby in your belly before it ever arrives. The second trimester is truly heavenly. I wish I would have soaked it up even more than I did.

With the second trimester closing I began looking forward to the third. 28 weeks and I was still feeling pretty amazing. My belly was really showing now and my little bit was growing fast. Now when you are pregnant and you Google anything nine times out of ten its a symptom of pregnancy. Flaming red hot ears- normal, excess saliva- normal, feet two times their size- normal. Pregnancy can cause your body to do some crazy things. It was around this time I began to grow a large nose and a very round face. One might have thought I was turning into Santa Clause but I checked the web and turns out everything was normal. I'm fairly certain Google makes its money off pregnant women. We research everything we eat, every medicine we consume, every activity we partake, and every symptom. Although ninety percent of it is probably pointless. I learned very quickly into the third trimester to go with your instinct first and Google later. We were at my parents house around thirty weeks. I didn't feel right and I decided I needed to take my blood pressure. So I grabbed my Dads cuff and took a look. It was  140/90. Now this is considered the bottom range of moderately high. Having always been a steady 120/80 I called in  to the nurses line. She told me to lay on my left side for 20 min and if it didn't go down to head to labor and delivery just for monitoring. So I did my time on my side and then headed to the hospital. I was maybe there twenty minutes before it dropped back down and stayed that way. They told me it might have just spiked but to keep watch. We went through this same routine another time about two weeks later. Both times the hospital seemed to instantly cure me. I really wasn't worried. I didn't show any protein in my urine so I knew I was all clear for preeclampsia.

I was really starting two swell by 34 weeks. I mean I was puffy. I started feeling bad too. The joy I had experienced in the second trimester was being replaced by my readiness for my baby to get here. I had the finish line in mind and while I was excited I just didn't feel good. I had been trough a pretty traumatic loss of a dear friend just the week before and pregnancy was really the last thing on my mind. I had quit dreaming about my pregnancy and I focused on not spending my day in tears. I was emotionally exhausted and it felt like my body was getting pretty tired as well. I remember so clearly getting ready for my doctors appointment that week. I got dressed like a normal person and headed in for a belly check. Alex went with me to all of my appointments and this one was no different. I was grateful for his support because honestly my broken heart was far from being healed. When we arrived I went through the normal routine of checking in, getting weighed, and heading to the room. I knew the steps by heart after so many appointments. The nurse put on the blood pressure cuff and suddenly I felt the air leave the room. She tilted her head and asked me if I felt okay. She said this must be wrong let me take it again. At this point she didn't even turn it around to show me. She took it again and I could tell things were not okay. I quickly asked her what it was and she turned it around ever so slowly. 198/120. Now remember 120/80 is normal. This was anything but normal. She rushed out of the room and my doctor quickly entered and asked Alex to take me to labor and delivery.

Two years later and I struggle to type the next parts. Now let me start with I have a beautiful healthy baby and my situation was not nearly as bad as it could have been. However, it hurts and it stings. I had a vision for how my baby would enter this world. I knew what we would wear and how we would announce his birth. I had a plan for the door announcement and  a wreath at our home. I knew how I would hold him when he first arrived. How I would kiss him and what I would say. I knew the look I would give to Alex. We had a plan and it was so perfect and beautiful. I still have a part of me that misses the birth I never got to have. However I know my God had so much more in store for me. I gave him the opportunity to show up and show out and he did just that. I had the desires of this modern social world. I wanted to post the pretty pictures and for everything to be adorable. However God was preparing me for the life he wanted me to live and that was not one of comparison but of my own journey in solitude. "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" Philippians 4:12 (NIV) See I was never very good at being content. I always wanted more. I was a pinterestaholic. I desired the praise from others. I can't even being to tell you how grateful I am for Gods lesson in humility.

So here it goes. This is what happened at the hospital. On February 11th, I was admitted to the hospital for high blood pressure. Dr. Beck thought I might have preeclampsia so she put me on a 24 hour watch. The 24 hour test consisted of a constant magnesium drip, blood work every two hours, and a catheter collection every few hours. Also no food or drink for fear of choking if I were to have a seizure. I was allowed some ice chips and a cold rag. With my blood pressure still well over 160/110 I was in the high risk for stroke or seizure. This was the point where I began to understand the severity of the situation. I couldn't leave the bed but I was mentally on my knees. I was so worried about my sweet little baby.  During the night a sweet nurse made a major mistake. I was tired and cranky and some how she decided to draw blood from my IV arm. This meant my labs were way off. The morning nurse came in with fear in her eyes and Dr. Beck followed shortly after. She climbed on the bed with me and began explaining what was going to happen. She informed me I had developed severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome. She said due to my platelet counts they would have to do an emergency cesarean and that I would have to be knocked out for the procedure. The anesthesiologists and the NICU nurses also came in. They informed me of their role in the delivery and walked me through every step. I wish I could say I was feeling hopeful but honestly based on my labs things were not looking good. I was told the baby was going to be fine and that it was me they were concerned about.  I have never seen my husband look that scared and I hope I never have to see it again. We called all our family and friends and told them to rush to the hospital for your delivery. About that time I see the nurse turn the corner and she is crying. Only her tears are not sad but instead happy. Like the happiest tears I have ever seen. She squealed as she grabbed my hand. She informed me they had figured out the mistake and while I was bad I was not as bad as my labs indicated. My baby would get to stay in another day. I couldn't pick that nurse out of a line up but I will love her my whole life.  Once things calmed down they moved  me to the high risk unit where I would stay as long as I could keep my bp down. February 13th was a wonderful day. I got to relax and get organized from all the chaos of the week. I worked on our new plan. We didn't have the nursery ready and I wasn't prepared to be in the hospital for the next few weeks. They tried to keep visitors to a minimum but our family and church family was determined to see us. I didn't know at the time it was the calm before the storm but I am so grateful for that day. On February 14th we celebrated Valentine's Day with a kiss and hospital breakfast and lunch! We were starting to settle in to our hospital life. Shortly after lunch I told Alex I felt like I couldn't breath but that I thought it was a sinus problem from the magnesium wearing off. He said he would grab a nurse to see what she thought. Little did I know when he closed the door he was running at full speed. He saw what I didn't and that was my neck swelling. He said he could seek all my veins and they looked ready to burst.  When she arrived she took a quick blood pressure test and that was it. My blood pressure had hit 228/117 and within a minute I had 8 nurses/specialist/doctors in my room and they were moving back to L&D. Dr. Beck came in and told me you would I would be having a Valentine baby within the next hour. Before they could take me back they had to check my platelets again. I also had to have an EKG and a few other tests for fear that I was having an embolism. They informed me about how Hudson would go to the NICU and that I would go down stairs for a CT scan. They told me once they could rule out the embolism I would go to the recovery room.  I was 34 weeks and 2 days. I was so exhausted from the past few days that I wasn't half as scared as I thought I would be. I was mostly just excited to be on the road to healing. The delivery was perfect. Hudson cried immediately and the nurse told me he was going to do great. As soon as they closed me up I went to down for the CT Scan. Thankfully they couldn't find anything which meant the blood pressure and HELLP were the source of my problems. My blood pressure went down immediately after delivery and so they felt confident in my recovery. Hudson was also great he was much stronger than they expected.  It was almost two days before I was able to meet my little guy. Alex would go down and take videos for me. While it was hard I knew we were both where we needed to be. I was broken hearted about how it all happened. I felt guilty that he wasn't able to be held by his parents. Nursing was the one way I felt I could make that time up to him. I began pumping as soon as they would let me. I pumped every hour for the first 24 hours trying to get my milk to come in with out a baby. By the time I got to him we were both ready. Holding him for the first time was unlike anything I have ever felt before. Alex said everyone in the room was crying but honestly it was just me and my boy. We spent two weeks in the NICU and then I brought my tiny baby home.

While our situation was not ideal I know we were covered by Gods grace. Things could have been so much worse. I am so aware of how lucky we really were. I am forever grateful for the doctors and nurses. While their medical care was outstanding the love and tenderness they displayed to my family was something they don't get paid to do. It wasn't until I was home that I finally learned what HELLP Syndrome is. I learned what it meant for me then and for my future. I realized that I was in a special group of women who had survived this. I began researching more and more. A second baby was the last think on my mind at this point but I couldn't help but wonder if we would have to go through this again. Its been almost two years now and we have decided to try again but the journey to getting here was more than I could have ever imagined.

http://www.whatthehellp.com/
http://www.preeclampsia.org/